Friday, September 23, 2005

Creeping annoyance

The week is not much better today. But it is Friday and that is a plus in any week (except for one you have off from work!)

In my quest to lose weight, I have dropped .2 pounds this week, for a total loss of 13 pounds in as many weeks. Still hanging in there. It is not what it could be, but then I am not doing all that I could be. So I will take it for now. I have not yet lost 10% of my total starting weight, but I am almost halfway there. Let's just not go any further into that, because I don't feel like writing about that. It is not what is weighing (heh) on my mind these days. Not so much anyway.

I mean, sure I wish I was skinny and beautiful and looked like some of the females I know. I can think of at least four who I think are gorgeous and I would SO love to emulate or look like. But I know that is not possible and I have to be me. It is hard enough to try and deal with being extremely overweight and the stigma attached to that, without making it worse by wanting something that is NOT EVEN POSSIBLE, like looking like someone else entirely. Who knows, maybe when I am skinner, the guys (and girls?) will all be asking about me. Maybe I will have the same problem that one of my girl-friends has. All the guys have a crush on her, they like her, want to date her, want to ask her out. She is like pollen to a bee. It really is an amazing phenomenon to see in action. And you can totally see it in action from the outside, too. Boys are reduced to stereotypes of themselves in her presence. Not ALL the time, but certainly they have their, "goofy, doting boy" moments. And my girl-friend and I are not old fogies, but neither are we teenagers. So it's definitely interesting to watch!

I guess this comes back to always feeling like I don't quite fit in. Like either I know something others don't (about me?) or they know something that I don't. I dunno, sounds bizarre I know. But I have always had that feeling, ever since I was a little kid (like 5 or 6, even in kindergarten). I never felt like I was some super special person or anything. Just that there was something different, either about me or about the way I thought of things. It's hard to pin down. Just that I did not entirely fit. I feel that way still today at my job, when I was working a side job doing some instructional work, at the hobbies I do. I almost feel like someone is eventually going to figure me out, expose me for the fraud that I am, call my bluff. I am not perpetrating some giant fraud on anyone, not at work, at home or with my friends. But I sometimes feel like someone left the door open and I slipped in unnoticed. And it's only a matter of time before someone asks for my invitation, and I don't have one.

I have also been having trouble letting go of daydreaming. Ever daydream and the daydreaming is much more interesting, compelling and desirable than your own life? Ever wish your life WAS the daydream? I am not even talking about 'winning the lottery'-type daydreams. I am talking about whole different personality, different life daydreams. I am sure it's because I am having trouble in my real life, so the fantasy life becomes more enticing, more interesting. But it makes dealing with reality that much more depressing.

Four paragraphs of tangent, I think that's enough for today.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"But I sometimes feel like someone left the door open and I slipped in unnoticed. And it's only a matter of time before someone asks for my invitation, and I don't have one."

You are an awesome writer. Me love you. Me proud. Me thinks you are beautiful and unique and special and nobody could ever be you because they could never be qualified. And me would think this if you were 900 pounds or 90. Have I embarassed you yet? Sorry.