Thursday, September 29, 2005

Wherein I post about a bunch of things

So I have a few things today. The first is what spawned the Title of today's entry. I am a blog reader. I read blogs. Not tons of them, a few selected ones. I like them, they make me feel like I get inside that person's head just a little. It's almost like reading someone else's diary. I would never do that to anyone I know, or anyone I don't know for that matter, but I am always curious what other people write about. My sister-in-law let me read her old journals a long time ago and it was interesting to see what someone who seemed so confident was thinking in her own space. Reading blogs satisfies my curiosity about what other people are thinking. Sure they are not always (and sometimes not frequently) the deepest, most real thoughts from the mind of the author. But I like reading blogs that seem more like that than ones about someone cleaning their house and going to work (Zzzzzzz.....)

Yesterday, I am reading a blog that was linked from someone else's blog links, and I go down the page and the writing style is suspiciously familiar. Like this person DEFINITELY reads one of the blogs that I do and is completely STEALING the writing style. A total rip-off! Sure, free country, free speech, etc. But is your life so empty, your brain so small, that you cannot even come up with your own writing style, that you have to plagiarize someone else's?? The poseur blog seems to be written by someone who has a real sense of humor and their own brain. But for whatever reason they are choosing to just lift mannerisms of the other blog's writing almost exactly (like my title today). They are not even crediting the other blog, which is what I would do if I was blatantly lifting style or format from another website or blog. I LIKE some of the stuff I see and read, I want to use those ideas. But I would totally credit the other person, or at least ask them if it was okay. This irks me. Get a life. Y'know?

The other thing I am writing about today is foreplay. Not necessarily foreplay, but kissing; making out; smooching; petting. Whatever you want to call it. Whatever happened to that?! What happened to the days when a kiss does not HAVE to lead to "the act" every single time?! When you could sit in the car and smooch for a few minutes before going inside; when you could sit together on the couch watching a movie and just have some kissing going on and then stop, and continue to watch the movie. Where did that go?! Does it go away once a couple is co-habitating? Is that the clincher? Is it that one of the two people figures, "Hey, there's no one else around to get in the way of going 'all the way' so we might as well"? Or is it just that the couple has advanced past the smooching stage, never to return again? Is it a stage? Do we get past it and then there is only sex? This is a question I have had for years now, because it has happened in two different relationships. I guess I am not going to get an answer, because it's not like I can poll the world here. I was just wondering.

Those are my tangents for the day.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005


I am kind of annoyed this week at my s.o's half assed version of being responsible around the house.

He did laundry last night- his work clothing - but did not put anything in that I might need washed or ask me if I needed anything.

Then he calls me today to say he "messed up a little" with his work pants, by wearing them when he was spraying the deck with the deck wash WHICH CONTAINS BLEACH!!!! He washed them and now they have this section that looks sort of like there is lint or fuzz all across it, just lightly sprayed with bleach (which he washed after he got the bleach on them - rocket science). He asks if we can dye them. So I say yes, but not with Rit, which sucks and will fade and bleed, which he says he did not know. I tell him that whatever we dye with will likely bleed a little anyway, so he better be prepared to have some discoloration. Then he says he thought that the whole thing about dye was that it was permanent. I say yes, BUT that does not mean it will not bleed or fade at all. He mentions that maybe we can find something at the craft store like a fabric marker that we can use. I ask if he means to use whatever fabric marker on only those bleached spots and he says yes. I tell him that those spots could come out a different color than the rest of the pants. He suggests we test it first. Okay. When I ask where could we test it where it could not be seen, and he says on the INSIDE of the pants. Now I don't know about you, but most all denim that I have seen is one color on one side and another color on the other side. (It has to do with the weave of the fabric.) So at that point I give up and say we will figure something out.

Then I asked him why was he wearing his work pants to do that at all?! He said he was tired from work and wanted to get it done as soon as he got home.

So not only does he not think about the consequences of his actions when he does things, he then expects me to help fix them, AGAIN without thinking of the consequences. He doesn't want to HEAR about any possible negative outcomes, and he won't end up learning anything from the experience.

How the hell did I get here again?

That is like the Anti-ME. I am with a person who is my antithesis!

I am also supposed to go away this weekend to have fun. He is coming along and apparently so is my brother. That is a double edged sword there.

Because - YAY, I get to see my brother who I only see at best once every other month. But it also means that because of his long drive home, I will be forced to leave early Sunday rather than stay after to socialize. My s.o. is, of course, excited that my brother is coming, because they are like girlfriends together.

But the point here is that it just hinders MY FUN. And really that's what this is all about - MY FUN!!!!

I totally stole this entire blog entry from a ranting e-mail to one of my girl-friends. She will understand. I was writing my blog and didn't know it at the time.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Creeping annoyance

The week is not much better today. But it is Friday and that is a plus in any week (except for one you have off from work!)

In my quest to lose weight, I have dropped .2 pounds this week, for a total loss of 13 pounds in as many weeks. Still hanging in there. It is not what it could be, but then I am not doing all that I could be. So I will take it for now. I have not yet lost 10% of my total starting weight, but I am almost halfway there. Let's just not go any further into that, because I don't feel like writing about that. It is not what is weighing (heh) on my mind these days. Not so much anyway.

I mean, sure I wish I was skinny and beautiful and looked like some of the females I know. I can think of at least four who I think are gorgeous and I would SO love to emulate or look like. But I know that is not possible and I have to be me. It is hard enough to try and deal with being extremely overweight and the stigma attached to that, without making it worse by wanting something that is NOT EVEN POSSIBLE, like looking like someone else entirely. Who knows, maybe when I am skinner, the guys (and girls?) will all be asking about me. Maybe I will have the same problem that one of my girl-friends has. All the guys have a crush on her, they like her, want to date her, want to ask her out. She is like pollen to a bee. It really is an amazing phenomenon to see in action. And you can totally see it in action from the outside, too. Boys are reduced to stereotypes of themselves in her presence. Not ALL the time, but certainly they have their, "goofy, doting boy" moments. And my girl-friend and I are not old fogies, but neither are we teenagers. So it's definitely interesting to watch!

I guess this comes back to always feeling like I don't quite fit in. Like either I know something others don't (about me?) or they know something that I don't. I dunno, sounds bizarre I know. But I have always had that feeling, ever since I was a little kid (like 5 or 6, even in kindergarten). I never felt like I was some super special person or anything. Just that there was something different, either about me or about the way I thought of things. It's hard to pin down. Just that I did not entirely fit. I feel that way still today at my job, when I was working a side job doing some instructional work, at the hobbies I do. I almost feel like someone is eventually going to figure me out, expose me for the fraud that I am, call my bluff. I am not perpetrating some giant fraud on anyone, not at work, at home or with my friends. But I sometimes feel like someone left the door open and I slipped in unnoticed. And it's only a matter of time before someone asks for my invitation, and I don't have one.

I have also been having trouble letting go of daydreaming. Ever daydream and the daydreaming is much more interesting, compelling and desirable than your own life? Ever wish your life WAS the daydream? I am not even talking about 'winning the lottery'-type daydreams. I am talking about whole different personality, different life daydreams. I am sure it's because I am having trouble in my real life, so the fantasy life becomes more enticing, more interesting. But it makes dealing with reality that much more depressing.

Four paragraphs of tangent, I think that's enough for today.

Thursday, September 22, 2005


So last night I find myself at work reading one of the aforementioned books with tears running down my face because - HOLY SHIT - I am reading about my very life on these pages!!! Stuff I thought was me literally going crazy is, in fact, him trying to make me think I am crazy, so that he can be right, or not wrong....or something like that. Let me excerpt...

"The passive-aggressive man is gifted at engineering a sense of doubt in others, and he knows it. He gets you to doubt your impressions of his behavior and to believe his version of what's happened. He relies on you to discount your own reactions. No matter how hostile or undermining his passive-aggressiveness, he gets you to make allowances for him, ignore your feelings and take his abuse.

An extreme version of the man who creates knee-weakening doubt and ably shifts blame from himself is the pathological fortune-hunting husband in the film Gaslight....He uses mind bending games to undermine his wife's sanity, such as denying he's done or said something. (The wife) searches for a brooch she knows she left on the dressing table, but he has already hidden it in the attic, "reminding" her of her memory problem and how she always seems to be losing things. And of course, when the gaslight in the house flickers and she remarks on it, he says, "What flickering light?"

In your life, the passive-aggressive man's more benign version of "gaslighting" you (telling you that what is, isn't and vice versa), is just as confusing. At his best, he can provoke an otherwise calm and rational woman into an irrational rage...It's not necessarily what he says or does, it's how he obstinately twists reality and denies the facts to either weasel out of responsiblity or push you around...This is what gets to you...

If your rage has probably will stop in your tracks and wonder how you've been transformed into this creature of destruction. Ashamed of your behavior, your pattern may be to give in and agree with him that you are the persecutory figure he says you are, and he the unfortunate victim. You wind up apologizing to him."

The tears just kept coming yesterday. That is my life. That is my SO (significant other), that's him! How can a person live this way? How have I been living this way? How can I change this without walking out on a relationship with someone I care deeply about that I have put several years into building? Is there any way to salvage this? That is what I am trying to figure out.

Yes, I have been here before. Not exactly here, but somewhere close. Different players, different scenario, but the same question - can this be salvaged? Last time around, I had been trying on my own to salvage things, taking the burden on myself to try and fix the problems, shoulder the responsibilties, need less from my partner, try not to lose myself in the process, give more leeway. It drained me dry. Absolutely dry. To the point where I had to tell him, when he came back to me with the sincere desire to try things again, that I could not do it. And I could not. It was not possible for me to put myself in that position again. The position of being vulnerable, my throat exposed, ready to be hurt once again. Sure this all sounds melodramatic, and it is. But I am a creature of emotion. That is my primary Modus Operandi, not logic, not thoughts, but feelings.

I think the hardest thing that a human being has to do is to truly think about HERSELF FIRST, before ANY other human being. Not mother, father, sister, brother, child, partner, friend or stranger on the street. It is extremely difficult for me. I think even if I was alone, no partner and I lived alone with no friends nearby, I would surround myself with pets or something to take up my time so that I would not HAVE to think about myself. And ACT on those thoughts as well, not just think.

So the question comes back around. Is there a way to salvage this? I don't feel like I am at a point where I can no longer trust my partner with my feelings. I WANT to work things out. That is a positive sign. But I could see things quickly approaching that in the months ahead, if things continue as they have been, could take us on a turn for the worse. How can I get him to know how he is and own up to it, and WORK ON IT?! This seems like an insurmountable task, especially since he is one of those guys who is resistant (to put it mildly) to the idea of going to therapy. I DON'T think this is something we can tackle without an outside arbitrator stepping in to point some things out. It has to be someone who he can't accuse of being biased one way or the other, even though he probably will anyway.

So I am having a bad week emotionally. I feel ready to cry at the drop of a hat. More than once today, I felt weepy. Not hormones, not even close. Not any meds I am or am not taking. I think I am getting enough sleep. I just feel like I am overloaded. I have stuff going on every weekend and day off for the next 3 weeks, there is tension in my relationship partly because of not spending enough time together, I have financial arrangements to make for things, I am working on this passive-aggressive thing, I have all this other stuff to finish. More of what I said yesterday. Too much going on. Too much pressure and stress. How do people deal with this all the time and not lose their shit. I have not figured it out yet. I guess that's not a very good sign at my age.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

La la land

I am out in la la land today. I woke up feeling well-rested, and drove to work the same way. But when I got here my brain got overloaded fast and I feel like it is now spilling over and I can't keep a thought straight.

Family - Got word from an aunt that she is loving having my brother and his family near her such that she knows food preferences of the little ones. Frankly, I am extremely jealous and still angry that he moved. He was hours away, now he is a plane ride away.

Friends - A couple of friends are bugging me to get involved in something I am not sure I want to do. They say its fun and I will have a good time, and are doing everything in their power to try and get me to go and facilitate a good time for me. One would think I would be grateful (and upon reading what I just wrote, I am thinking I may be acting somewhat asinine) but I am just getting more and more annoyed at being pushed. My significant other is one of the ones pushing too, which does not help. On the plus side, my girl-friend is easygoing about it, saying try it and if I have a good time stay, if I don't just walk away. This is the attitude I am taking, but the people encouraging me to go don't need to know that. It would only begin a debate that I just don't want to, or need to, have. They would then believe that I had already made my decision, which I have not. The point is I am NOT SURE. The jury is out. So I am going to get my feet wet and see how the water is before I decide if I am going in all the way, or walking away.

Significant other - Being very nice to me the past few days. Even when I was away for the weekend, which he has a special pet peeve about. He has developed this idea that because I am up for just about any social activity other than staying home sitting on my ass, that means that any chance I have to get away from HIM is one that I jump at. I often either WANT TO say yes, or I DO say yes to the social activities to which I get invited. My phone is not ringing off the hook or anything (I should say, my e-mail box is not in danger of reaching its limit.) This summer, things picked up for me, don't ask me why, I am just that cute and popular. Seriously though, how can I explain why? Should I even HAVE to? So if I get invited to something every month, what is the big deal?! Well part of the deal is that he and I do not have all the same friends. We do share some of the same friends, but not all. In fact he had a very serious falling out with some of the people I still call friends. So he avoids some social situations anticipating that one of those people may be in attendance. Some of those are ones I am invited to. Maybe I am a bad partner, but I don't feel like I should have to curb my social life just because he doesn't want to come! Unfortunately, for me, he is not one of those "take one for the team" kind of partners, who would be okay with me going as long as I get him back on something, return the favor. This applies when he goes WITH me to something he does not want to go to, or when I go somewhere without him and he doesn't want me to go. The moment we arrive, he is asking when we can leave. He says this is for "planning purposes" but it CLEARLY says to me, "I want to leave as soon as humanly possible; NOW, if we can!" When I go somewhere that he is not thrilled about me going, he asks me when I will be home. I could be honest and say that I will be home late, that I don't intend to make a time to come home, that I will stay as long as I want to, that it depends on who is there and how much fun it is. But none of those answers are "acceptable" for him. He thinks I should be able to be "mature" and commit to a time when I will leave, regardless of what is going on. I have tried the above responses, and he argues with me on them, usually retorting with concerns of me sleeping the following day away and not having any time to spend with me since I will be sleeping in after my night out. He does not ASK me if I would be willing to get up earlier to spend time with him, he just assumes that I would not want to. Even when I offer to do this, he argues with me, saying that if I would just get home earlier, we would not have to deal with that at all.

Okay, wow, I have gone off on a tangent there (this subject needs its own post!) The reason behind the tangent is because October is shaping up to be the social month extraordinaire. One weekend I will be away and another, earlier weekend I have at least two, if not three, social things potentially lined up. Plus two times a week I have a meeting to go to, which is voluntary and social in nature as well. So we are bound to have this argument soon, maybe even tonight. Mind you, one weekend I will be away WITH him. But he will discount that as being in the same place doing separate things. Or find some other way to discount it. Did I mention he is passive-aggressive??

Home - I have several things to do in and around my house. Some regular maintenance and cleaning related, some more major maintenance related. I have to try to make time for that somehow, when presently I get home from work after dark and not all my weekends are free. My S.O. works most weekends now and he is resistant to doing major maintenance without me present. As I am having guests this weekend, there are several things that need to get done, and I am going to get little help from him, so I am going to have to schedule this all in before Friday.

Other - On top of all that, I am writing a document that is due at the end of next weekend (Oct 2nd) and it is lengthy, so I have to try and fit that in with everything else, including overdue bills and renewal of driving related things.

No wonder my brain is scrambled! I wish those commercials were real...the ones where they would say, "Calgon, take me away!!!"

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Endings suck

When stuff that is good ends, it sucks! This is true for just about anything in life, from great meals to TV shows to extracurricular activities to relationships to friendships to a good book. Presently, I am talking about a hobby that shall remain nameless (to protect...well, ME!)

I have had the most fun with this group in particular than I have ever had. They are all into it 100% and it makes worlds of difference. When you do a hobby with people who are half-assed about it, everyone suffers. When people are unscrupulous about things, it ruins the experience for everyone else. When some people don't take the hobby as seriously as others, the group loses something.

I have had this hobby much of my life, in different forms, and I have rarely found a group that has the cohesive interest that this one does. Everyone is there for the same reason, to have a great time while participating 100%. People are nice, they care, they enhance the experience for everyone there with their enthusiasm.

And in a month, it will all be over. I am pretty bummed about it. I have lots of memories, new friends and pictures too. But I will be sad to have to find a new group. Of course, the new group will have the reputation to live up to and it will be hard to do. So I will have to be open minded about it.

Basically when a good thing ends, it is always hard to say goodbye!!!

Monday, September 19, 2005


I was away this weekend having fun with some friends. It was tiring as all get out because it involved staying up very late both Friday and Saturday nights and walking or running around outside for hours on end, either in the hot muggy weather Saturday, or in the rainy chilly weather Friday and Saturday nights. But I had a blast and can't wait to do it again.

I am so tired though. And feeling my age to be sure. I need to try to rebuild some of the strength and stamina I used to have. I am working on it, trying to lose weight presently and when I checked last week, I had dropped 2 pounds from the week before. This is a good thing, especially going into a weekend where I was going to eat anything that I could get my hands on, not anything in sight mind you, just anything that happened to be available when it was available. Eating was not scheduled into my activities, so when I had the chance, I ate what I could and did not pay all that much attention to what it was. There, I think that was clearer. I am not that coherent, having had only 8 hours of sleep between Friday and Sunday, so I think I will keep this brief today. But since I skipped Thursday and Friday, I thought I would stop in to write today.

What was the best part about my weekend? Laughing and having fun without having to check in with anyone or be worried about anything at home. Being able to just let go and have a great time. That is what I love about my weekends away. My friends are my lifeblood and getting away from the everyday doldrums (work, drive, pay bills) is really what fuels me and gives me joy. I wish I could do it more often.

I think I need a nap.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Music that I like

Music. I love music. It's so important to me that I listen to music every day. And I don't listen to as much music as I would like to either. I would like to listen to music all day at work and then as soon as I get home put something on and blast it through the house. Can't always do that. But I still love it and listen to a lot of different things. I have met a lot of people who are very picky about listening to one specific "type" of music or another. But I honestly don't think that is being fair to oneself. If you prefer or don't prefer a style, that's totally cool. But you should still not rule out that you may one day like something by someone which is technically "classified" as that style that you always said you disliked.

Me - I like lots of stuff. My father always played classical in the house, so I have a great appreciation for a lot of different classical music, although I may not know the names or composers of that many pieces. I recognize a LOT more than I can name. I grew up listening to The Beatles, John Denver, The Carpenters, musicals and lots of classical. When I got older, I listened to AM radio, so I liked some of the more popular music of the time. Then as I became a teenager, I loved hip hop and rap - the "old school" stuff like Run DMC, LLCoolJ, Sugar Hill Gang, Grandmaster Flash, Whodini, Afrika Bambaata and the Soulsonic Force and Tommy Boy Records! Great stuff!! Also dance music that was out at that time. There were a lot of one-hit wonders in the dance scene, but there was some great music coming out. When Madonna was new and all the elementary school girls were dressing up like little Madonna's in lace t-shirts and fingerless gloves! I have a whole crate full of records from that time! I still love that stuff.

In high school I moved into liking more "alternative rock" type stuff like Depeche Mode, New Order, The Cure, Bronski Beat, Yaz, Sting's solo stuff, R.E.M. - and then came U2. My obsession with U2 began when they played Live Aid in 1987. I saw them perform "Bad" and could barely breathe. I was watching it on TV and I was mesmerized. I could not believe how moved the crowd was by this song, by Bono singing, by whatever it was that was moving them about this music. I was totally hooked! I bought biography books, books on Ireland, subscribed to U2 fanzines (back when they were photocopied, or better yet, mimeographed). I was taken by this band and their music! Then, The Joshua Tree came out! Sadly, through a travesty I will not go through here, I missed out on getting tickets for the tour. This was after I had begin to go to concerts and I was just heartbroken. A person I thought was my friend had gotten tickets and went to the concert, knowing how envious I was of her. She came back showing off her $18 t-shirt, which was black with a design in gold colored ink, the album cover or something. Then she said she got me a t-shirt too! She handed me a shitty white shirt with a badly printed design on the front and back. She said it was only $10 bucks in the parking lot! Like I said, I THOUGHT she was my friend. That was near the end of our friendship (I am not so shallow to judge a person just because they don't splurge on the expensive t-shirt, believe me, there is MUCH more to that story. Someday I might tell it here....) So anyway, I FINALLY got to see U2 live 3 years ago. YES THREE YEARS AGO!!! Much has gone on on the many years since high school and I was just never able to make it to a concert. But the one I went to was AWESOME and TOTALLY worth the wait!!!!

Okay, back to the subject. Music that I like. Well the concerts I went to are a good cross section of what I was into in HS. Suzanne Vega, Howard Jones, Peter Gabriel, Genesis, BoDeans, Robert Plant, 10,000 Maniacs, Melissa Etheridge, INXS, Yes. Later on, I found an Irish U2 wannabe band called the Black Velvet Band who I loved for the short time they were around. After that, in my early 20's, came the grunge era. Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice In Chains, Soundgarden, Stone Temple Pilots, all from Seattle, were great bands! I liked Faith No More, as well as Indigo Girls, Queensryche, King's X and Living Color. I liked Paula Cole, Shawn Colvin, Matthew Sweet, a band named Jellyfish that my brother discovered, Sarah McLachlan, the soundtracks to Chess and Rent. Tool became underground cool, and although I don't like all their stuff, I do like some of it. Nine Inch Nails became a staple in my CD collection. Tori Amos also made her way in. I discovered Barenaked Ladies, with their first album, Gordon. They are SO awesome!! I made my way back into Alternative music, which had morphed into Alternative Hard Rock. Late 90's to early 00's brought Staind, Days of the New, Finger Eleven, Sevendust, Linkin Park, Filter. Other bands/artists in there that are not mentioned elsewhere are Red Hot Chili Peppers, Lenny Kravitz, Michael Penn, Jonatha Brooke, Beastie Boys, Primus, some early Guns & Roses, Sublime, Ben Folds Five, Rage Against The Machine. And then the guilty pleasures like some Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, Christina Aguilera, Hanson, Spice Girls, TLC, Jennifer Lopez, Mariah Carey. I even found some pseudo-country stuff I liked in Shania Twain, some Faith Hill and Nickel Creek, a folky-pop group that got their start doing bluegrass music with Alison Krauss.

Over the years though, the staples on my CD shelf are U2, Indigo Girls, Melissa Etheridge, Tori Amos, Nine Inch Nails, some movie and musical soundtracks and a few new things that edge their way in and back out from time to time. But I still love all the music I ever loved. I like it the same as I did when I originally found it. I just love music. I couldn't imagine life without it.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Books for me

So today I went down to the local Borders books on lunch, took a little walk, which I needed to do anyway. I picked myself up some books to help myself out a little.

Titles, you ask?
'Living with the Passive Aggressive Man' by Scott Wetzler, PhD
'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft

I went online and checked out and read some reader reviews and two of them for the first book pointed people to the second book as well, since the first book seems to lay part of the onus on living a better life with this type of man on the female partner. *BUZZZZZZZ* Thank you for playing. Homegirl don't play that game. I am not into being told that I have to "understand" certain things about my partner and "learn to work with them". When have you EVER read a book FOR MEN about WOMEN that tells them to LIVE WITH IT. No....all of them tell the guy that women are emotional and that they probably need medication or therapy, to be sensitive and understanding until she can get the help she needs. Sorry. Same rules apply on both ends of the playing field.

Now let's look at that metaphor - playing field. Yes, I seem to end up talking about my relationship - to my partner and to my friends - as a game or a contest with points on either side. Even that I think of it as something that has "sides" is probably a big hint that something is rotten in Denmark. It should not be that way. It should be "us", with some "him" and "her" in there as well. Not "my side" and "your side" or "he said", "she said". I can't stand feeling like I have to earn points back. And the worst part is that he flatly denies that is the case, yet constantly makes me feel like there is a lot of work to be done to get back to a "status quo" (my words, not his.)

I got these books because I live with a passive-aggressive man. I thought my father was passive-aggressive. Uh-uh. No way. He is passive. He just doesn't get angry. He sometimes refuses to get angry. He doesn't try to control my mother, never has. She is uncontrollable. She is bi-polar (what they used to call "Manic-Depressive". The only thing that controls her are drugs, and even then......not so much. He never got angry when I was a kid. He never stopped her from doing anything, never put his foot down with anything, never tried to make her go places or do things, or not go places or not do things. The thing with Passive Aggression is that the person SAYS one thing, but MEANS something that is almost entirely the opposite. The short version is that he makes me feel INSANE. My dad never made me (or my mom) feel insane - just inadequate. I literally feel like I am going nuts. I moved about 4 years ago. Since that time, I have gone to therapy three separate times for stress and depression, gained about 60 pounds, gone to my doc for mood issues and been prescribed anti-depressant meds, developed thyroid issues (and now am on thyroid hormone replacement for life), developed TMJ due to stress, had insomnia and stomach problems - most of these are due to or exacerbated by stress. Most of the stress was caused either directly or indirectly by my partner. Money issues that go unsolved and, seemingly, not taken seriously enough. Lack of attention to my requests and needs. Neglect of responsibilties - blamed on stress or lack of reciprocity. Basically, I am made out to be the cause of all the problems - not directly like, "you are at fault, it is all your fault." More like, "there is no need to assign blame just don't understand certain things." Of course, those "certain things" that I need to "understand" are never clearly explained or defined. Leaving me thinking, " is there something I missed? Are there things that I am supposed to know that I didn't pay attention to or write down or something? What am I not hearing here?" Because the message is so repetitive it wears you down and you begin to feel like, well he has said this same thing so many HAS to be something I am not doing or doing wrong! It is insidious. And the worst part is that I have tremendous difficulty thinking that he even is AWARE that he is doing this. He has a wonderful, generous heart.

How the hell did I get here and how the hell do I fix it? That is the bottom line.

Monday, September 12, 2005

The First Entry

I will explain the title of my blog. See, I read other blogs on the interweb, the internets, whatever the hell you want to call it. And I know that writing about your personal life (i.e. family, partner, friends) can be dangerous to one's personal life and relationships with the aforementioned folks. But I need an outlet to write about this stuff. So I am throwing caution to the wind and I am going to write, write, write about it all!!

So...about me. Well, as you can probably surmise, I am female. I work in software technology. I have parents. I have 2 brothers who are both married with kids. I have a significant other of several years to whom I am technically engaged (more on that as the blog continues). I have some very close friends, who make my life livable. That's enough on me for now.

This is my introduction to the blogger world. I have read others' blogs and LiveJournals for a few years now and never started my own. I love the writing styles of some of the ones I have read and hope to be as witty and interesting as them. But honestly, I am doing this for me. I know, I know....if I am doing it for me, why put it on the internet for everyone to potentially read. Why not just keep a private journal?? Because I love reading blogs, I love peeking into other people's heads for a moment, I love knowing I am not the only one who feels and thinks these ridiculous, irrational, weird things. It helps my sanity. Plus feeling like I have not updated a blog out on the web has more of an incentive attached to it than updating one's personal journal, at least for me. I frequently think of myself last. So I rarely write journal entries at home since who is going to read them except me. I am only doing it for me, so why bother taking that time to write it down when I could just as easily be making dinner, or doing laundry, or even sitting around watching TV. It's just crap I am thinking. So keeping a blog online makes me that much more accountable. Even if nobody reads it.

Off I go into the wild blue yonder of blog-dom. Here's hoping this does not become "The Big Mistake"!