Monday, September 17, 2007

Writing to write

I have been avoiding writing here. Or writing anywhere. I have just been avoiding. I tend to be good at that. I am un-satis-fied with my life at the moment. Some things are fine and working well - puppies, relationship, gainfully employed. But some of the details are not how I want them to be. And I'm not sure I know how I want them to be.


I am putting on a good show, putting up the "things are okay" front. Muddling through the River (de)Nile. But I am not sure how long I can do it. Earlier this summer I even called EAP to get some counseling sessions for free. I was so deeply deluded that I didn't have anything critical to say about my life at my first session at all. And it turned out the counselor I saw was crap anyway. I went to a second session where I had made a list and we didn't even get through it because she kept focusing on the wrong things and delving into them. Then the third visit I missed, twice. First time, I cancelled. Second time, I was at work late and totally forgot - and forgot to call. She called me after the missed appointment asking where I was, telling me she left the office when I didn't show up - and she never called me back to reschedule. Some counselor. One could make the logical leap that maybe I missed the session because I was HAVING PROBLEMS and, duh, if I was having problems maybe it might be a good idea to call me back to check on me and ask if everything is okay. Nope, she never did. So to hell with her. I will probably call EAP again and see if I can start my 5 free visits from scratch with someone new. Hope they allow all 5, because the first 2 were worthless. Whatever.

I went to visit my brother in Arizona last week. I had a good time, but it was (not surprisingly) a disappointing visit. They didn't take the week off, even though we had announced this visit, including the dates, back in MARCH of this year. They took the kids out of school for ONE day. And my sister-in-law ended up WORKING Thursday and Friday, subbing for a teacher at the school. If we hadn't made a pretty last minute (2 weeks ago) plan to take an overnight to Vegas, we would have simply sat around their house for half the time we were there, because my brother would have been working, his wife would have been working and the kids would have been at school. WHAT. THE. FUCK. This is on top of them coming back East to CT in June/July for a MONTH and not announcing it until less than TWO WEEKS before they were coming, at which point my life was suitably and complicatedly booked! I could have moved things and arranged to go see them more, but I was so annoyed that they just didn't seem to care enough to tell me that I didn't bother. They didn't ask to come visit, they didn't ask to stay with us, they just stayed with her parents. My brother was out for the first weekend but then went back home to work for the rest of their visit. It is so dissatisfying to want to have a better relationship with them and they just seem to not bother on their end. Their little insular family comes before everyone else, TO THE EXCLUSION OF everyone else. Whatever happened to being an extended family?!

Work. I work for a Napoleonic, wannabe IT Director who actually has the title, without the knowledge. He swindled his way into this position knowing enough to wow someone high up in our department, but not enough to actually perform the job without lots of technical help. I hate working for someone who I know more than - when they don't ACKNOWLEDGE that I know more than them. It puts me in the crappy position of "yes man" when he comes up with all these "new" ideas to make things better, and I hate being in that position. Additionally, we have a Sys Admin consultant who previously worked for IT in this very department and therefore has tons of knowledge about how things are set up and why it was done that way. Well Mr. 'I'm-Gonna-Fix-What-Ain't-Broke' doesn't care to seek, or listen to, a lot of Consultant's advice. He is burning bridges with them as well, by not extending Consultant's company some common sense professional courtesies (like getting a quote from them about imaging and deploying new servers and PC’s, BEFORE getting one from another vendor.) He opened a position for a System Administrator in May and I applied for it. Well, he didn’t even think twice about NOT considering me. The position has the requirements of a person with an MCSE certification and also having management experience, as that person will have two direct reports (me and my co-worker.) I have minimal management experience wa-a-a-ay back in my retail days (doesn’t really count) and I don’t have my MCSE, but our present Sys Admin (the consultant) feels I could easily ramp up to do the job well and I feel confident of the same. PLUS they would be getting a SysAdmin for a bargain price! I could get management training here at my job (they offer management development courses for free for staff and faculty.) Nope, not even a second thought. So now, I am sort of stuck. Unless he is going to create a promotion position for either myself or my co-worker (who would never get it because he is 58 and leaves a lot to be desired in IT knowledge,) then I have nowhere to aspire to, nothing to get promoted to. System Administrator would be the next step up for me, so this dickwad is effectively quashing any chance I have to advance within my IT department. Since the day I started, I have wanted to get my hands deeper into things here and make them better, because there are a lot of problems. And now, I can’t. Can’t even think about it. That is frustrating and, frankly, pisses me off. So I have, much to my chagrin, relegated myself to getting as much as I can out of this job and moving on. I have been here barely a year! That so entirely sucks donkey ass! Mind you, I will probably stay more than a year more because part of 'getting as much as I can' involves Microsoft certification courses and tests that this University will be paying for. But that doesn’t change the fact that I already know there is nowhere for me to go here. Because of this asshat who doesn’t know the first practical thing about working a real IT Support job or running a real IT department. Fuck!

Another thing. The job has become unbearable for my other half. He has been dicked around by a co-worker and sort of laterally demoted (no pay cut, but we come back from vacation and suddenly he has been switched to the bottom of the barrel shift in his dept.) The company sucks; he is one of the oldest non-management people; he is treated like a kid; and there is no chance of any serious bump in pay, contrary to what he was told when this position started. It’s time to move on. But he has very little confidence in resume writing, job hunting and his skill set. And his reluctance to seek or accept outside help has me in a stressful position. Just in case any of my (one) readers don’t know, anything I write about him on here is strictly confidential, if you please.

As it has been for the last ten years, my weight is frustrating the hell out of me. Rest assured, I am changing my alarm time to get up at 6:00 am TOMORROW to begin walking in the mornings with my other half. But it took HIS meltdown for me to do this, even though it’s for both of us. I went to Arizona, land of the sun. My brother has a pool. I brought a bathing suit……and a large t-shirt and bike shorts to wear over it. To my credit (not sure if that’s the right term) I didn’t wear the shirt. But there was NO WAY I was going to show my lumpy, bumpy, vein-y, scarred legs. I barely show them to my other half; not a chance I will show them to the kids or my brother. Fortunately, there were no “why’s” from the kids when I wore the shorts. But there were about the band-aids on my calves (from me scratching up a storm and creating more scars on myself.) I actually wore sleeveless shirts most of the time I was out there. In public. Amazing for me. I hate my upper arms. I hate that I don’t do any yoga anymore, or breathing, or meditation. I am developing this irrational aversion to larping and I think part of it may be my weight. I feel self-conscious about being seen in costume at my weight, having no costuming that looks nice on me, and about having to walk the Ho Chi Minh trail at events. I read my aunt’s e-mail (she has lost over 150 pounds in the two years since her father died, on Weight Watchers and walking alone) and I feel so proud of her, because she started at 399 lbs! I don’t know about the rest of my family, but I sure thought she would pass away prematurely from weight related illnesses. So I am ecstatic for her and so very proud. Do I have any confidence that I could accomplish that? Nope. Sure, it’s irrational; sure it’s neurotic. But that’s the way I feel. Maybe those feelings are helping me avoid the hard work I will have to engage in to lose any weight. Maybe that is why I cling to them and continue to do...well…nothing. Nothing except buy larger sizes of clothing every year. Nothing except be insanely jealous of every person that is thinner than I am. Nothing except THINK about it all. Until tomorrow morning at 6:00 am, that is.

So all these things add up to me not liking the life I have much. I am not necessarily seeking advice or instructions on what to do. That is not the purpose of this. I just needed to get it all out there and off my chest and although I don’t really want to tell anyone any of this, I also do want to tell someone this stuff too, in a tiny way. Well, honestly, I want someone to look at me and somehow know and throw their arms around me and tell me it is all going to be okay and start to help me with everything. Yeah, I know, that place exists only in Walgreen-land (you’ve seen the commercials – once there was a town called “Perfect”…) Well, here I am putting it all out there.

Oh yeah, money too. Not enough to do anything to improve my house, hire someone to take away my leaves, get work on my car, get my puppy spayed, pay back a friend, save for a rainy day, pay off debts, etc. So that just adds the regular fuel to this fire.

Can’t we have a do-over of this shit?

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Sucktastic suckiness

I am sitting here at work just agonizing. Today is the announcement of the findings of the study that was done on my department last year, before I was even employed here. They have found that the person I work for is not necessary. But a supervisor is necessary, and three other separate new positions are necessary. But it's not personal or discrimination. Right. Whatever.

So for the third time in a row, I am being uprooted to a new manager without any say in the matter, and for the second time in a row, the person I work for is being unfairly terminated. What the fuck?!

And the best part is that they told her the results about a week and a half ago, then they told me and my co-worker, her direct reports. She goes on (previously) planned vacation last week, comes back and they have restricted all of her access - without telling her!!! And without telling her employees. When they told us what was going to happen, they did not give us a specific date when this would happen. So we were left to figure that out. Logically, it would take effect the day after the big announcement, which is today. But no one officially SAID that. On top of that, the access the sup had was vital to, well, doing her job. Now she cannot. But we have shit to get done. And we can't get it done, because she can't do it, and I have no one else to ask "officially". I can't farm it out to our contactor, because I know there is no budget for it.

I am stuck stuck stuck. I can't voice my opinion on how unprofessionally this is being handled, just as it pertains to ME, the employee who has NOTHING to do with this. I have been kept in the dark and put in an awkward position by not having anyone to go to to escalate things that need to get done since her access has been restricted. And the person that I will be reporting to does not have the technical knowledge that she does, so I am not even sure how that is going to WORK! Who is going to do all the daily stuff she does. No one has said anything about this. So we are left to wonder. And back to my point in this paragraph, I can't say anything to anyone about how this is being handled, because I can't afford to seem contrary or like I am taking sides, because frankly I need to keep my job. So I need to not make enemies or raise concerns about me with anyone in charge. So I basically have to put my head down and take it. Fucking sucks!

That is just one of the several things making my day suck today.

Another thing is my sewer taxes. I was levied a steep fine that I cannot get removed (I asked today in person) and that is going to have to come out of my income tax return now. Which sucks. I never know how much I will be getting back, so I always worry that it will not be enough. I am going to try and visit a relative this year who moved far away, and I have to use tax return money to pay for it. Plus I still have other bills and monies that I owe.

And I am getting another year older. That in itself is not an issue so much as what to do about it. I have one idea in mind and my SO doesn't seem to have another, but wants me to be around. I was thinking of going to hang with a friend. I can understand him wanting to spend the time with me, and not wanting to miss what I will be doing for my special day, but there is nothing special planned. Just girl time. Argh!

My SO and I have communication problems. I know that is the main issue. He says things that I take not at all the way he intended. Because what he says is something I would say when I mean something else entirely. I got so frustrated this morning when talking about the work thing with him, because all he said was something about not getting caught up in the drama at work and it sounded like he was saying it was my fault, but he wasn't. And I know that, looking back at the conversation. But how he said it did not feel that way. I wish we could understand each other better all the time.

So, my life sucks today. My boss is going to be eliminated, I am getting a new one whom I don't really know, things are going to change in a big way at work, I need my tax money and I am stressed out. That's that.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Mission Accomplished

So, I had a visit with my friend and we talked and all is well in friendsville now. I was correct about most of what I had posted about her feelings towards me. She was tired of the whining and complaining, tired of me never taking action on things that she felt needed action. And, yes, she is firmly planted in the "I don't trust him" section of the SO bleachers. However, she has agreed to try and not be so quick to judge things he does. I reassured her that there has been real progress and change in our relationship. I said that I truly believe that he got the message that I was ready to walk and that it shocked him into straightening up.

I think he is learning that if you keep the woman happy, it keeps the relationship happy. I know that is such a female chauvinistic thing to say, but I truly believe that. It's not that I think the woman should come first, or the man, for that matter. But if a man keeps a woman happy, he will be happy and THEY will be happy. That is the bottom line. And I think that my SO is finally on that path.

Anyway, we talked and then we went shopping for crafty stuff and walked around her town and got ice cream for us and my small furry companion, who seemed to get along ok enough with her larger furry companions. Then I had to get home to attend a celebratory thang for St. John wedding friend!

Got to drink for a while and blow off some steam. Then I went home, had some Taco Bell at 1:00 am and went to bed!

I have to say though, that if this rain does not stop soon, it is going to cause many a person to go postal on some people's asses!!!

Friday, May 05, 2006

Ohmigod, a new post?!?!

Yeah yeah, I know. Long time no post. This was supposed to be a place to vent for me, and I sort of abandoned it. Once I got fired, there was nothing to vent about. I was home, not working, and a lot of my stress went away. And I already updated this blog about the relationship stress, which is better too.

What can I vent about now? Oooh, I know. I am feeling sort of isolated at the moment. Lately. Generally. A lot. Not from the SO, but from friends. Due to the relationship stress from last year with the chat "incident", one of my friends has firmly planted herself in the opposition of my SO. She has lost all trust for him and (it appears) has decided that he has no redeeming qualities and it is just a matter of time before it all happens again. She feels it is a pattern that happens again and again. And once a guy does something that is, I dunno, on the "deal-breaker" list, he will do it again and again. Never change, never really permanently anyway. She feels a woman who puts up with it at all is foolish and allowing herself to be a victim. (Mind you, I AGREE with her on all of that....but that is not my situation anymore, it CHANGED.) I think she believes I am making excuses for him. I can't really talk about him with her anymore because she gets this blank look on her face and clearly does not want to hear about any of it. Even when it is good stuff, she has that look, almost as if she is thinking, "You know he is feeding you bullshit, don't you?" Granted, after I was fired and that whole thing came to a head, I was pretty much home here and, due to the time of year, she did not come visit me until, as it turned out, things were a lot better with he and I. Only she did not/does not really believe it, I think. I had to sit down and try to convince her that things were getting better, and had gotten better. And she still is not convinced.

This has brought our friendship to a stagnant place. I procrastinate, she knows this. I am habitually late, she knows this too. She knows all my faults. So now, her responses to me much of the time are that I will be late, or that I will put it off, or that I would not be able to go someplace, so why ask. She is excluding me from her life, in short. She and a couple of other mutual friends are getting closer and I am not included in that circle. I am helping out one of those friends with some major personal life issues too, chatting with her from time to time online. But the three of them actually get together often and actually talk on the phone often and actually e-mail often. Just not with me.

So, whatever. Maybe this will pass, maybe it will not. It's hard for me to say. I would like to tell her to stop being so judgmental of me. It's like she has taken on the role of being my personal angel/devil on the shoulder. But only when we actually interact, which is notably less frequently lately. We don't have as much fun when we hang out, we end up doing things that "need to get done". She is either quiet, or talking to me about what I have not done or what I could be doing better or differently. And I don't feel comfortable talking about things that my SO and I have done, because I get that blank stare and no response. I can't really talk about a new addition to my household because she does not approve of that either. So what can we do? We see each other at the common activities we have. Maybe that is how it needs to be. I am not sure if there is anything I can do about this.

Have we reached the point where she is so frustrated with me that she just can't deal with me? Have I not made changes that she feels I should be making and therefore she has trouble being around me without yelling at me for those things? Can we actually have fun with each other anymore? I am not sure. I just don't know.

Another friend, who lives closest to me, is in the Caribbean getting married this week. So although we are much closer than we have been in years, she has that on her plate now and that will reduce the time we can spend together.

So I am feeling kind of crappy. Feeling isolated, feeling lonely. Not relationship lonely, friendship lonely. I need them both in my life - relationship and friendship. I normally would feel strongly about confronting an issue with a friend and facing it head on. But I feel like she is pulling away. So if she is, I don't want to push her further away, nor do I want to force her to deal with me when she doesn't seem to want to. It's ironic actually, I was just talking with my SO about friendship philosophy yesterday. We have some very different views on how we handle friendship, specifically with respect to conflict resolution. But I think this is different for me because there has been no specific incident that anyone has to explain or make up for. It is a general "shift in the wind", so to speak. And if she is drifting away from me, I am not going to force her back. I can't make someone be friends with me and I won't try. But I think I am getting ahead of things anyway. I don't think this is the end of the line. But I do feel the things I wrote about above happening. So I'll have to see how things progress from here.

Thank god it's Cinco de Mayo and I can get drunk tonight!!!

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

You Dropped a Bomb on

Lovely readers:
I have had a lot of shit going on lately, so I have not taken the time to update this at all. Life reared it's ugly head and many things happened that needed my immediate attention.

On the SO (Significant Other) front, we had several nasty fights about big issues, followed by a huge blowout about A Really Big Issue. Since that time, we have had the opportunity to spend a lot of time together and have done a lot of reconnecting. The SO has taken many steps to take a more active role in our relationship, showing by example that he cares a lot about me and does not want to lose me. I think this was the first time that he ever thought that was a real possibility (which means I did my job communicating that fact to him, because it was very possible.) More on that later.

The other Big Event was that I got fired from my job for no good reason. If I had been late all the time, or fucked off at work, or downloaded porn, or was lazy, or did not get along with anyone, or even was incompetent, I would understand (well, I probably would NOT understand because I would be too stupid.) But if there was cause, I would not have been devastatingly upset. But there was no apparent cause, and they gave me some lame excuse saying that I had "not developed technically they way they would have liked." This means absolutely NOTHING. I love how they saddle ME with the responsibility of not developing technically when I was put in the 12:00 noon to 8:00 pm shift, without another person with me, with the other two technically adept support guys on from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm, leaving for an hour for lunch when I arrive, leaving me at most THREE HOURS A DAY with them. Three hours for me to pick their brains for the infinite wisdom they would provide to me - if they were friendly and approachable and cooperative and helpful all the time. Oh, yeah, that's right....they're NOT! They fucking complain about every little thing they have to do that is out of the ordinary; when they have a customer that is stupid (Hello?! We work in Tech Support!!) They complain to the boss when something stupid upsets their delicate equilibriums and makes them have to make the slightest effort to work harder. I mean, they petitioned to have their workday SHORTENED BY AN HOUR......AND WON!!! Does this sufficiently describe the type of people I was working with?!

So that happened on Tuesday October 25th. The consultant that our company had retained to get Tech Support back in shape after a tumultuous year (two new hires, change in upper management, direct supervisor fired and no replacement hired, change in hours) was in the office for his week with us (he's from the west coast.) The VP of my department (who had also given his notice and that was his last week there) was there for meetings that week too. So, no more than 15 minutes after I get to work, I am called in to a meeting with them. Clueless, I am thinking they have met with the others, or are about to, about the VP leaving and what would happen afterwards, etc. Nope, WRONG. VP tells me that they have come to the conclusion that it would be better to let me go. Totally shocked, I barely have the wherewithal to ask if there is anything that can be arranged, if there is something that can be worked out. VP says no and adds that he thinks the fact that they are giving me a "generous" severance package is very significant, and that there is no other way to do this. The "generous" package was one month's pay along with my unused vacation and personal time. [Ooh. I feel so gracious, can you tell?!] Then, as I am crying almost uncontrollably and after he leaves to go get a box of tissues for me, he asks if I would be able to quietly pack my things within about 10-15 minutes and leave without incident. He offers me the option of coming back when there is no one there and someone can let me in to get my things and I decline, saying I would rather get it over with now. So, with VP watching over my shoulder, seeming like he is trying to be nice, I pack my desk (amazingly, without anyone really noticing) and VP walks me out the door to my car. Shakes my hand, says it was a pleasure working with me and best of luck. He has already walked out the door with me so he can't say, "Don't let the door hit you on the ass on your way out!" without sounding dumb. But he might has well have. That was it. Finito. Kaput. No more job.

I got in the car and began crying like I have not cried in, well, a day or so, since the day before that was when SO and I had the big blowout about The Really Big Issue (did I mention it was a bad week?!?!)

I called the one person from work that I thought would care, and who I KNEW did not know, because she works remotely from home. She was as shocked as I was and could not figure out a real reason why this could have happened. She was very sympathetic and said I could call her anytime and to please keep in touch. Then I called my SO. He was shocked. I was shocked. We were both shocked. He offered to come home, which just freaked me out more, because (in my racing mind this made sense) god-forbid he put HIS job in jeopardy by splitting early just because I am crying a lot. I told him to stay at work. I ended up going to a friend's house overnight, much to SO's displeasure (he wanted to be there to "bond" with me over this....more on that later.) This helped me a lot and then I went home the next day.

Thankfully, that coming weekend was 'go away and do my hobby' weekend. It was a welcome escape from the real world and all of it's goddamned, motherfucking, shitty, craptacular assyness. I went home the next day and sent an e-mail out to everyone I had an e-mail address for - family, friends, acquaintances - and announced that I had lost my job (said I was laid off, didn't need everyone to know I had been fired) and basically asked for charity. Anyone and everyone who could provide me with a job lead was welcome and encouraged to please do so. I had decided a long time ago that when this sort of thing happens and you have a mortgage to pay, all semblance of pride or privacy goes out the window and you beg for help from whomsoever is willing to give it.

Heh, heh...MORTGAGE...oh yeah!!! Did I mention that we were closing on our refinance two days later, that Thursday? Yeah! That made the sting of being fired even sharper than it was already. It was the rotten cherry on top of the sundae of horseshit that I had been served on Tuesday. Yeah.

Anyway, we completed the refinance without incident, thankfully. I got some e-mail responses from friends who were trying to help. I packed up for my weekend and got up there and had a fantastic time with lots of friends who were very supportive (but, of course, it was bittersweet because it was the Final Weekend which I blogged about before). And then I had to come home to SO and The Really Big Issue again.

I will not elaborate on The Really Big Issue, except to say that it involved my SO, the internet, a person of the opposite gender and a lot of excuses. The Issue was discussed at length on several different occasions; I initiated an embargo on, shall we say, "quality time" for an undetermined period of time; The SO voluntarily and without being asked stopped spending every night on the computer playing a widely-known MMORPG, saying that he was taking a sabbatical. We began to spend time together and he was extremely nice, doing nice things for me like making dinner, calling me often to see how I was, getting me flowers, talking about gifts for my family for Christmas, getting excited for Christmas and helping with the decorating, saying we should get a tree, getting a wreath for the door and new doormat without being asked. We went out to the movies and saw Harry Potter and Narnia and Rent and King Kong together. Just seeming to spend time thinking about my happiness much more than his own (also taking very good care of me during The Sickness, more on that later). Many things like this that he should have been doing all along, but had not been doing. He was taking a more active part in our relationship, day to day, rather than being passive and just letting life unfold. It took me a few weeks to warm up to this, because I was very angry and upset and feeling like it was all going to end. But after seeing that he was sincere about it all and not just putting on a show, I began to participate myself. I had not been putting him off or anything, I just had not been as enthusiastic as he was.

Anyway, his behavior, combined with my getting a Temporary part-time position through a friend, helped me to feel better about a lot of things. I de-stressed from getting canned (though the anger is still there, can you tell?) and was enjoying a no-brainer, no-stress job with actual likeable people who appreciated me being there. Imagine?!

Then, came The Sickness.
The first weekend in December, we went to see my brother for his son's birthday party. As we were traveling there, it became clear that I was not feeling very good. My sore throat turned evil and I began feeling feverish. I toughed it out the next day, but we went home that night, primarily because SO had to work the next morning. But I would not have been able to make it anyway. I was in bed the next three days straight. All day every day. This was no flu. This was the Evil Head/Chest Cold from Hell. It involved a sore throat, coughing, some light fever and neck aches and tons and tons of phlegm! And exhaustion, oh the exhaustion! When I say I was in bed, I mean I was IN BED. I barely got out of bed at all that week and I did not even work at the temp job. Finally towards the end of the week, I was feeling good enough to walk around and later in the evening I felt good enough to actually go out of the house to get something to eat. During this week, SO was unbelievably attentive and kind, catering to my every whim! It really helped me feel not so poopy and miserable.

The following weekend, I had another hobby weekend away. I went in with the caveat that I might go home at any time (which was of course acceptable to everyone since they could not even believe I was there.) I toughed my way through the weekend and felt better for it. That week I seemed to get even better. The following Saturday evening was the annual get-together of friends from close by for Christmas. Went down to that, along with the SO, who had to work that day and the next morning. It was nice to go together, and have a good time where I was not being pestered about when we would be leaving. I knew he had to work, he knew I knew he had to work, we knew we would be leaving at a reasonable hour and I would be driving home so he could sleep. Sure he might not get the perfect night's sleep. But it was a mutual agreement. This was a new thing and I was liking it a lot! Had a great time with friends, danced, drank, etc.

By Tuesday morning, The Sickness was BACK with a vengeance!!! Aagghh!!! Figures! The week of Christmas! So I spent the week trying to make myself better, staying in bed, eating egg pastina, drinking lots of apple cider and taking Zicam to try and make it not come back (unsuccessfully, I might add.) We went to see family for Christmas weekend on Friday night, stopping at another friends' party on the way there for a couple of hours. I hung tough, but I was coughing all the time and taking cough suppressant every 4 hours. My throat was raw, I had a headache like my head was going to explode, but I had a great time that weekend! I was showered with gifts, oddly enough. Because of the influx of children, we do the pick-a-name thing for the adults to save some dough. So the adults get one gift from family (other than their SO's or other family) and we all get gifts for the kids. My mother, of course, counts herself exempt from this, so she usually gets EVERYONE gifts every year. But I got gifts from my sister-in-law, my mother, my father, and my brother as well as my assigned person, my other brother. It was odd, but then again, by that time, I was more focused on trying to not be plague-ridden and was not actively thinking about the fact that I had a terrible month and a half and maybe desrved some presents to cheer me up! Anyway, it was nice, my parents came over to my sister-in-law's house and everyone got along great and it was friendly and homey and nice, etc. Christmas Day we went back there again and ate and went to see Harry Potter, because my brother and sister-in-law had not seen it yet. I went back with my sis-in-law the next day to pickup my nephew and we left from there for home. We had stayed an extra day since SO did not have to work Monday.

Then we went home and opened OUR presents!! Yay!!

A little odd, some of the presents, but all very very nice! He got me a 1GB USB Thumb Drive for my computers (to store and transfer music, pics, files, etc.!), a 1/2 GB MP3 player (a real one, not just my Handheld Personal PC stuffed with music,) the Red Riding Hood figure from the McFarlane Twister Fairy Tales series, the soundtrack to Wicked (which was duplicated and then turned into the DVD of The Year Without a Santa Claus!) and tickets to the Westminster Dog Show on Valentine's Day! :-) He got us both tickets and he is going to actually go WITH me this time! It will be fun! We will be going to the second and final day, so not the whole thing, but I think he would be hard pressed to have a good time there for two straight days (he had thought the same thing when he got the tickets.)

He was most surprised by the graphics card that I got him with the assistance of my sister-in-law who said she was buying it for herself (one for her and one for my brother for Christmas - he was there when she bought them.) HA!! Fooled him! He was very happy about this - dare I say, giddy. Of course, his favorite gift this year was the one he got himself with his tips from work, the Sony PSP. We discussed it prior to its purchase and I was okay with him using his tips for that since it was extra money and not coming out of our bill paying money or the Refi money that we have in savings now. He bought it and wrapped it and put it under the tree. I figure it's goodwill towards something like that for ME one of these days! Plus I have done a lot of clothes shopping over the past two months (a lot for ME, at least), so I think it will all even out.

For New Years, since there was no real "must-attend" party this year, we decided to have a nice evening out with just the two of us. He made reservations at the local suites hotel that we had stayed in when we were first dating, and we went out to dinner at Legal Sea Foods. I was a little freaked when we walked in the door, the waiting area was FULL and there had to be 20 people there. Fortunately, 5 minutes after we arrived, they called for the party of 16 that was waiting there (I was close...) So the place cleared out and we were seated about 5 minutes later. WHEW!! We had a great dinner and spent a lazy evening at the hotel, flipping around the channels, making popcorn and searching for the New Years Eve Specials, which apparently don't start until 11:30 these days! I felt sad hearing Dick Clark on New Years Rockin' Eve, as the stroke last year really did some damage and he can't speak very clearly anymore. It is like the passing of an era.

My temp job ended the week of Christmas, although they may call me back now that it is past New Years. I am now getting Unemployment and searching for a new job. in the meantime, I have a few small projects planned for my "free time": paint the foyer wall, paint the bathroom walls, get my papers and filing organized (two big stashes of it, starting with the one in my bedroom.) Maybe do some other little things around the house, like replace light fixtures, and blinds in other rooms. Have already ordered a replacement blind for the upstairs bathroom. Have already cleaned up under my desk here in the bedroom. Bought filing boxes to temporarily house the papers to make it easier to organize and properly organize/file/chuck stuff as I go. Need to sort through some basement stuff and reorganize it to move the PC graveyard into there (this year brought new replacement pieces for both of us); need to organize my books now that they are on shelves and need to organize the clothing shelves now that we have them all set up. Also need to get/make a curtain thingy for our makeshift closet. I am going to look into what we can replace the fluorescent lights with in the bedroom (we have dropped ceilings and there are three full-panel sized regular fluorescent light fixtures, like in an office, and I hatehatehate them!)

Well....that basically brings things up to date here. Sorry I have been so heinously lax in posting. The loss of my job kind of put me off my axis and I am still trying to make some normal routine to follow now that I am not temping and the holidays are over.

Let me close by saying that I have been written-up at jobs before, and been threatened with being canned if whatever it was did not improve. I have worked in fear of being let go, of having my every move watched, thinking anyone could be "the enemy". I think that the trauma of being fired without any warning whatsoever was FAR WORSE than the tension of knowing I was on thin ice. It literally pulls the rug right out from under you. You think things are fine, go into work, get your water (or coffee, or whatever) make your small talk with co-workers, get into your day and - BLAM - no more job. It's like no other experience (other than maybe walking on ice and thinking it will hold and then it cracks and you fall through, but then your life is in danger - with a job, not so much...) It makes you question what the fuck you did wrong, who you pissed off, who said what to whom about you, who reported that one time they saw you surfing the internet when it WASN'T your lunch break, what customer complained about you to which bigwig because you didn't fucking say "Bless You!" when they sneezed on the phone last week. I think everyone who knows me personally knows that I like to know WHY things happen. I have to have the reasons. And not knowing why this happened (because saying I "hadn't developed technically the way they would have hoped" is a load of crap) is absolutely torturous for me. I will probably never know. And I have come to grips with it. But that will haunt me for a while. The next job I take, I will once again be skittish to make sure I know ALL the rules and EXACTLY what is expected of me, I will stay strictly within the straight and narrow to the Nth degree! I hate feeling under confident at work. It is the one place where I feel comfortable being confident in my abilities and when something like this happens, it shoots that all to hell. Now I have to build up that confidence in myself all over again, from scratch. Fuck! I am sure I will write more about this another time, but for now I am done.

There it is, in black and white, for the whole world wide web to read. On with the great experiment...the Big Mistake... :-)

Friday, October 14, 2005

A Weekend To Remember!!

[Disclaimer: All names have been changed to protect the guilty. In fact, as I proofread this, I deny that some of this ever happened! Dreams, nightmares, DT's, bad mushrooms. Wasn't me.]

When we last visited our heroine, she was ready for a knock-down, drag-out fight for going away for the entire weekend. Well, she DID go away for the entire weekend and let's just see if it was all worth it! :-)

Friday my friend (we'll call her "Jane") came to meet me at work. I get out later in the evening, as I work second shift. So we were leaving to go to the first party of the weekend directly from my work. She met me here, changed and prettied up a little, then we got in the car and made the trip. After a little misdirection on the direction-giver's part, we arrived at a friend's house, ready to drink, and sing, and drink some more, and talk and maybe even sing some more. Many of our friends were there and were having a fine old time. Another friend (we'll call him "John") came up to me asking if he should stop drinking, that his wife would normally tell him to stop at this point. Heh. He asked ME if HE should STOP drinking?! Heh. Anyway, knowing that his wife kind of owes me one, I said,"Naaahhh, have another beer or two; you have a ride? Go for it!" At which point I went to the cooler and grabbed him another beer.

All the boys were flirting with "Jane" and they, and she, were having a very nice time of it. I sang a song or two, then drank some more, and sang a few more songs, which I have faint memories of doing.

"John" asked if I had had any of another friend's (let's call him "Joe") knob. I said that I had not, and asked if he had. "John" said that yes, he had had some of "Joe's" knob and that it was great! I was intrigued. "John" asked a girl at the party, let's call her "Tina", if she had had any and she said that she had and recommended it to me as well. Then "John" said to "Joe" that I had not had any of his knob and thought I needed to have some. It was then that the truth was revealed. Knob was a brand of bourbon. I had some of "the knob" and it was VERY good! It reminded me of another cheap bourbon that I have had in the past, which shall remain nameless here. It was good knob!

A conversation was had about being metrosexual and who was moreso than another. That conversation led to another which I was unfortunately not part of with another guy at the party, let's call him "Rob", wherein he spoke of a former girlfriend getting him all dressed up in bondage gear for some reason. Again, I was not there, my friend "Jane" was there and told me of the conversation later. It was unfortunate that I was not there, because I do have quite a crush on "Rob" and it would have been great to be in on that conversation. But, ah well, I was off flirting or drinking, I think.

Then the whiskey came out. This whiskey was AMAZING! It was a tall thin bottle that had been given to the host by one of the guests. It was the most amazing whiskey I have ever tasted! It was made with maple syrup and was just delicious. It was like maple whiskey! I have the tube container that the bottle came in at home, because I just HAD to have the name so that I could get it again! Oooh, this was so good. I had two shots of it and pushed it on to just about anyone that would come near the bottle!

I continued to flirt, with everyone, and also with "Joe". After many of the guests had left for the evening, I decided it was time for fun, so I ran out to the car to get my purple nail polish. I had decided that I needed to paint "Joe's" toenails, and "Jane's" as well. Mine were done, and theirs should be too. This idea probably originated from a comment about my toenails, but I cannot remember at this point. It was very late and I was pretty drunk!

The socks were stripped off, and the toenails were painted. Although "Joe" protested some, he was sitting on a comfy cushion, nestled against "Jane" who was sitting behind him with her arms about him, and I was painting his toenails. I think he was putting on a good show for us frankly. :-) Well, after that was completed and we had let things dry off for a few moments. It was then time to go home.

We bade goodbye to the host, who had retreated with the few straggling guests to his hot tub out back and we took our leave. We went out to the car in the rain and found that we had a parking ticket! Argh! We made our way out to the highway and began the long drive home, in the RAIN! Due to my lack of sobriety and "Jane's" lack of knowledge of the area (she lives in another state) we did not take some of the turns we were supposed to take. But once we had come to a completely different road in the state, heading the wrong direction, I woke up enough to get us back on track. I was tired enough that I fell asleep mid-sentence at one point. "Jane" stopped talking and was waiting for me to finish. She said something like, "don't keep me waiting, what did you say?" and realized that I was, indeed, asleep! So she jolted me awake and I think I continued with what I was talking about. It was a struggle to keep awake and talking, as evidenced by the fact that we made yet ANOTHER wrong turn (or rather missed the turn we should have made). After that, we were on the right road and got home 6:00 AM!!!!!!!!! Heh heh.

We slept until about 1:30 the next afternoon. Then slowly got up and had some breakfast. We had a thing or two to get done, which we did, and got ready in just enough time to get out of the house before my s.o. was due home from work. I wanted to leave before he got home so that I would actually get out of the house without being held up by an argument.

We got on our way, again in the RAIN, and went to the next engagement we had. A fundraiser for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. It was a Texas Hold 'Em game with all the donations at the door being donated to the Red Cross Hurricane Katrina fund. There was also a silent auction which people donated services and items to that people could bid on and get them, the money also being donated to the same cause. Another girlfriend, we'll call her "Lisa", was there and almost ended up winning the night! She came in second, but was beaten by some guy. But earlier in the evening, we were all playing together and having great fun at it! Our other girlfriend, let's call her "Susie" showed up and, previously a blonde, her hair was dark!! She had dyed it chestnut/mahogany brown and it looked fantastic! What a change though, most of the people there did not even recognize her! So the four of us played for a while, then got whittled down one by one. Another friend, let's call him "Bob" was there and was our dealer early in the night, as he had already been knocked out by the time we got there. The night progressed and the game ended pretty early, about 10:30 pm. It had ended much later the last time they had one of these, so we had all sort of expected to be out until later. "Susie" had the night off from her kids, and basically demanded that we go out after this since she had the night out. We decided on a place and had apparently convinced several of the people to come with us, including "John" and his wife, who were the organizers of the charity event. Funny enough, she had heard that I "got her husband drunk" the night before. I laughed and told her the real story and just said that I was the wrong person to ask about that on this particular weekend, as I was out to have a good time. She thought that was funny.

So we all headed to our cars to go and "Rob" almost ditched, but I convinced him to come for one beer. So he did. We convoyed, in the RAIN (have you sensed yet that rain was a main theme here???) up to the bar/club we had decided on. We walked in and immediately felt a whole bunch older than the 18-23, gang-banger, college age crowd. But we went over and got a pool table. We lost a few on the way and it ended up being me, "Jane", "Susie", "Joe", "Rob" and "Bob", and another friend we will call "Mark". "Rob" played one game of pool and then ditched. The rest of us stayed until the place closed.

At one point, we finished a game and the other two girls were up to play the winners. "Mark" went to go get them on the dance floor, but came back with his eyes wide saying, "They're, um...busy." I laughed and thought he was exaggerating, so I went to check myself and saw that he was not. "Jane" was shimmying up and down a guy's leg, arms above her head, looking like she was having a good old time. I could not see "Susie" but decided that they were otherwise occupied. They finished their dance and came back not even 3 minutes later, and we were all giggling about it. We told them what we had seen and they sarcastically thanked us for not coming over to "save" them.

Last call was 1:30, which was puzzling to us all since it is typically 2:00 am, but there was nothing to be done, so we left as they were shoving us out the door into....THE RAIN!!! "Susie" again decided this night was NOT over, not by a longshot, so she asked if everyone wanted to go find a diner to grab some grub. Everyone was in and we drove off in the convoy again. We stopped at a Dunkin Donuts, which confused everyone, but she was stopping to ask if the IHOP that was two exits further north would be okay with everyone. Again, everyone was in and off we went. We got there, happy to be someplace where we were out of the RAIN.

We hung out, had pancakes and other breakfast-y foods. Talked, laughed, joked and talked some more. When all was said and done, it was about 3:30 am when we were leaving the IHOP. Most everyone left and then "Jane" came over to my car asking if I wanted to stay in the area overnight, since it was so late, and it was STILL RAINING. She was going home, so her drive would be 3+ hours in the rain, mine would probably be about 2 hrs. So we decided to stay. Well, "Susie" had gone home, so the only place left to stay was at "Bob's" house. Did I mention that "Bob" is good looking, good with his hands, and has a thing for "Jane" to boot?

So we convoy, AGAIN, IN THE RAIN, to "Bob's" house, near dead tired. We get there, do the bathroom thing, he makes his bed for "Jane" and myself and proceeds to climb on to his futon. Well, as you could guess there is much innuendo and joking at this time of night, after sillyness and some drinking had ensued earlier. Not sure exactly how this happened, but "Bob" ended up IN THE BED! Yes, that's right, we slept (SLEPT, I tell you) with "Bob" nestled between us. Sure, I didn't actually sleep that much, because three people in a queen size bed, not much sleeping going on. But it was the most interesting and fun not sleeping I have done in a LONG time! In the "morning" (I use this term loosely, since, technically it was morning when we WENT to sleep) we sat in bed procrastinating getting up and leaving for the things we had to do that day, myself a baby shower for a high school friend who we will call "Mary". "Jane" had things to do as well, and had the long drive as well. I was going two states away, so I also had a long drive and was convinced by them NOT to stop at home. I did not know whether my s.o. would be home or was working, so that was a random factor. And really, I did not need anything at home, except for the invitation, which I did not really need. So rather than chance a long, nasty argument with the s.o., I decided to leave right from there to the shower.

Eventually, like 2 1/2 hours later, we got out of bed and did the bathroom thing and reluctantly left "Bob's" house. What a nice morning that was. There was much snuggling and warmth in the cozy queen sized bed with the three of us. Mmmmm. Did I mention that "Bob" was cute too?? Mm!

The long drive to the shower ensued (no, the weekend is not over yet, we are only at Sunday MORNING!!!) I eventually got there, halfway there realizing that the shower was set to END at 4:30, not START at 4:30. I missed some present opening and her mother said she got stuck doing my job (I had a job??) and "Mary" could have killed me for mixing up the time. But she was happy I was there anyway, and actually was expecting to maybe see "Jane" with me as well since she reads this here blog and was thinking we would be attached at the hip this weekend. Which, heh, we sort of were. Heh. (Did I mention the sleeping in the queen size bed with the hot guy?)

So I FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY got to see "Mary's" house!!! She got hers not too long after I got mine and we have not been to see each others' houses yet. Her house was very cool!!! They built a new deck on the front and had vinyl siding put up and are getting those and a few other renovations done before the baby shows up (Knock knock, who's there? It's me, the baby!) :-) They have the coolest cats, and I LOVE their property! The house is going to be so much cooler when the renovations are done! It is a bit of a shambles at the moment, but hey, you should see the renovations being done! I would boycott any cleaning if I had working guys in and out of my house during that too! The deck out front is so nice! I totally love this house! So I went back to the house with everyone (and by everyone I mean her brother and his family, her parents and aunt and a family friend) and we all hung out and talked for a while until her parents were barely awake and they all left. I stayed later, procrastinating leaving until it was just totally clear that I HAD to leave. I stayed and we caught up on stuff, and talked about my hobby activities and my job and them and the house and the kitties and joked about stuff and ate bagels and just had a generally great time! Her husband was making fun of my hobby stuff and we were looking at the website for one of the groups and joking about it. It was very amusing and fun!

As I said, when I could put off leaving no longer, I hopped in the car, again in the goddamned fucking rain, and took off for home. It was about a 3 1/2 hour drive from door to door. I got home at about 3:30 am (I think, I was pretty tired.) Climbed into bed and went to sleep.

It was the best motherfucking weekend I have had in a long time! I drank, I partied, I flirted, I ate, I talked, I laughed, I played Texas Hold'Em, I played pool, I danced a little, I sang, I talked and laughed some more, I drove-A LOT, I slept in a bed with a hot guy and my girl-friend, and I got home whenever I felt like it. I had a bachelorette weekend! Hee hee hee. I said above...the names were changed to protect the guilty. Not the least of which is myself. Hence, the name of this blog! :-)

Friday, October 07, 2005

cranky and tired

So I tried to broach the subject twice this week. Wednesday night is "date night" and before we got out of the car I mentioned that my girl-friend was coming up Friday to go out that night. No sooner had I said that did he begin spewing crap about this was the subject we were supposed to have a "discussion" about, and now he guesses there will be no discussion. I tried to discuss it and he abruptly got out of the car - conversation over.

Then last night after we came back from a movie, I mentioned something when we got home, saying there was something we were not talking about, that we were supposed to discuss. I said that I wanted to have a conversation where he and I were both participating in the conversation. He just clammed up and did not say anything else to me. Ball was in HIS court, not mine. So we didn't talk about it. And he went to work this morning, and I came to work. And I am dressed to go out, and my girl-friend is going to meet me here and we are leaving from here. So he will have to deal with it.

He is being such a schmuck that when I sent him a text that my weekly weight check came back and I am 1.4 pounds down, he did not even respond. Thanks for the encouragement.

I don't know what his hours are tomorrow, but hopefully I will not even have to deal with the silent treatment at all. I plan on getting out of the house as soon as I can after having a nice breakfast with my girl-friend. Maybe we can go out and hit the stores or something before heading up to our Saturday night plans. Then Sunday, whether he is working or not, I am going to my Sunday plans as well. I will probably leave my house by about 11:00-ish because it is a few hours away and I want some time to hang out and catch up before things start. I will get home late and we will not talk until Monday. So that should be "exciting".

I am writing a long letter to send to him. I think I will wait until this weekend is over. Leaving him with a bomb like that with no opportunity to talk to me about it would not be very considerate. However, going out with friends, contrary to what he would say, is not being INconsiderate, it is being social. I asked him to come to the Saturday and Sunday plans and he did not answer in the positive. I informed him weeks ago about all three things this weekend. He was not happy about it, but that does not mean I am going to change my plans. This is ridiculous. The more I think about it, the angrier I become. What is the goddamn problem with me going to hang out with friends for a weekend. I know they are friends that he doesn't hang out with, or gets bored doing what we do or whatever. But who the hell ever had a relationship where the two people did NOT have separate friends?! Sometimes when I talk to him about this, he makes me feel like I am the one being unreasonable, but I know I am not. I don't think I am. I know a couple who does not hang out with ANY of each others' friends. He knows her friends, but doesn't like them much, she knows his friends and gets along with them well, but doesn't hang out with them regularly. And they get by just fine. I don't understand why he is being this way.

Anyway, enough of that for one day. I have actual work to do, so off to do that.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Feeling prolific

There is so much on my mind that I just had to come write some of it down!

I had a great time this weekend! I was surprised, though not too surprised. I was with friends that I love to hang out with; how could I NOT have a good time? Even better, I saw a friend there that I have not seen in months and we got some time to talk as well. We had a good time too.

I talked to my brother who moved far away. He was back here for work for two weeks and was driving his car (and his pets) back out to where he is living now. So he called me from the car seeing as it was just him with no one to talk to for probably about four days. We had a fun talk and he explained some work stuff to me, which was good because I did not understand it all before, and we talked a little. I am still mad that he moved, but it was nice that he called me and I did not have to be the first to call him for a change.

I finished the document that I had to complete. Well, finished enough to send in, although I will have some amendments and additions. But it got in under the deadline anyway, and that was most important.

I am excited about this hobby again. It may not be all bad that the other group is drawing to a close. I mean, it IS all bad!! That is not a question. But the new group seems like it will be an acceptable substitution. I had fun. I was glad that I had fun. I feel relieved.

Now I have to work on losing weight so I can feel less uncomfortable and be less exhausted when I am there. Plus it opens my options in other ways too. I will be getting up earlier in the morning to walk and I will be adding yoga back into my routine. Need to get rid of the floppy arms and build some muscle. Need to stretch this body!

This coming weekend promises to be lots of fun, if not totally stressy at home because I will be gone for most of it. My s.o. and I will likely have a disaagreement, if not a full out fight, about it. I put it all on the calendar, he looked at it last night. There is nothing that he can say about me NOT telling him my plans. My girl-friend is coming up Friday night and we are leaving from my work, that's the deal. He and I can talk about what my plans are, but I am not going to change them. Especially when one thing is for charity and another is for an old friend near my parents' house. So it will be interesting to see how this week unfolds.

Meanwhile, I am going to go write some more addendum for this document and the attachments that will be late, but part of it. More from me this week for sure!!

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Wherein I post about a bunch of things

So I have a few things today. The first is what spawned the Title of today's entry. I am a blog reader. I read blogs. Not tons of them, a few selected ones. I like them, they make me feel like I get inside that person's head just a little. It's almost like reading someone else's diary. I would never do that to anyone I know, or anyone I don't know for that matter, but I am always curious what other people write about. My sister-in-law let me read her old journals a long time ago and it was interesting to see what someone who seemed so confident was thinking in her own space. Reading blogs satisfies my curiosity about what other people are thinking. Sure they are not always (and sometimes not frequently) the deepest, most real thoughts from the mind of the author. But I like reading blogs that seem more like that than ones about someone cleaning their house and going to work (Zzzzzzz.....)

Yesterday, I am reading a blog that was linked from someone else's blog links, and I go down the page and the writing style is suspiciously familiar. Like this person DEFINITELY reads one of the blogs that I do and is completely STEALING the writing style. A total rip-off! Sure, free country, free speech, etc. But is your life so empty, your brain so small, that you cannot even come up with your own writing style, that you have to plagiarize someone else's?? The poseur blog seems to be written by someone who has a real sense of humor and their own brain. But for whatever reason they are choosing to just lift mannerisms of the other blog's writing almost exactly (like my title today). They are not even crediting the other blog, which is what I would do if I was blatantly lifting style or format from another website or blog. I LIKE some of the stuff I see and read, I want to use those ideas. But I would totally credit the other person, or at least ask them if it was okay. This irks me. Get a life. Y'know?

The other thing I am writing about today is foreplay. Not necessarily foreplay, but kissing; making out; smooching; petting. Whatever you want to call it. Whatever happened to that?! What happened to the days when a kiss does not HAVE to lead to "the act" every single time?! When you could sit in the car and smooch for a few minutes before going inside; when you could sit together on the couch watching a movie and just have some kissing going on and then stop, and continue to watch the movie. Where did that go?! Does it go away once a couple is co-habitating? Is that the clincher? Is it that one of the two people figures, "Hey, there's no one else around to get in the way of going 'all the way' so we might as well"? Or is it just that the couple has advanced past the smooching stage, never to return again? Is it a stage? Do we get past it and then there is only sex? This is a question I have had for years now, because it has happened in two different relationships. I guess I am not going to get an answer, because it's not like I can poll the world here. I was just wondering.

Those are my tangents for the day.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005


I am kind of annoyed this week at my s.o's half assed version of being responsible around the house.

He did laundry last night- his work clothing - but did not put anything in that I might need washed or ask me if I needed anything.

Then he calls me today to say he "messed up a little" with his work pants, by wearing them when he was spraying the deck with the deck wash WHICH CONTAINS BLEACH!!!! He washed them and now they have this section that looks sort of like there is lint or fuzz all across it, just lightly sprayed with bleach (which he washed after he got the bleach on them - rocket science). He asks if we can dye them. So I say yes, but not with Rit, which sucks and will fade and bleed, which he says he did not know. I tell him that whatever we dye with will likely bleed a little anyway, so he better be prepared to have some discoloration. Then he says he thought that the whole thing about dye was that it was permanent. I say yes, BUT that does not mean it will not bleed or fade at all. He mentions that maybe we can find something at the craft store like a fabric marker that we can use. I ask if he means to use whatever fabric marker on only those bleached spots and he says yes. I tell him that those spots could come out a different color than the rest of the pants. He suggests we test it first. Okay. When I ask where could we test it where it could not be seen, and he says on the INSIDE of the pants. Now I don't know about you, but most all denim that I have seen is one color on one side and another color on the other side. (It has to do with the weave of the fabric.) So at that point I give up and say we will figure something out.

Then I asked him why was he wearing his work pants to do that at all?! He said he was tired from work and wanted to get it done as soon as he got home.

So not only does he not think about the consequences of his actions when he does things, he then expects me to help fix them, AGAIN without thinking of the consequences. He doesn't want to HEAR about any possible negative outcomes, and he won't end up learning anything from the experience.

How the hell did I get here again?

That is like the Anti-ME. I am with a person who is my antithesis!

I am also supposed to go away this weekend to have fun. He is coming along and apparently so is my brother. That is a double edged sword there.

Because - YAY, I get to see my brother who I only see at best once every other month. But it also means that because of his long drive home, I will be forced to leave early Sunday rather than stay after to socialize. My s.o. is, of course, excited that my brother is coming, because they are like girlfriends together.

But the point here is that it just hinders MY FUN. And really that's what this is all about - MY FUN!!!!

I totally stole this entire blog entry from a ranting e-mail to one of my girl-friends. She will understand. I was writing my blog and didn't know it at the time.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Creeping annoyance

The week is not much better today. But it is Friday and that is a plus in any week (except for one you have off from work!)

In my quest to lose weight, I have dropped .2 pounds this week, for a total loss of 13 pounds in as many weeks. Still hanging in there. It is not what it could be, but then I am not doing all that I could be. So I will take it for now. I have not yet lost 10% of my total starting weight, but I am almost halfway there. Let's just not go any further into that, because I don't feel like writing about that. It is not what is weighing (heh) on my mind these days. Not so much anyway.

I mean, sure I wish I was skinny and beautiful and looked like some of the females I know. I can think of at least four who I think are gorgeous and I would SO love to emulate or look like. But I know that is not possible and I have to be me. It is hard enough to try and deal with being extremely overweight and the stigma attached to that, without making it worse by wanting something that is NOT EVEN POSSIBLE, like looking like someone else entirely. Who knows, maybe when I am skinner, the guys (and girls?) will all be asking about me. Maybe I will have the same problem that one of my girl-friends has. All the guys have a crush on her, they like her, want to date her, want to ask her out. She is like pollen to a bee. It really is an amazing phenomenon to see in action. And you can totally see it in action from the outside, too. Boys are reduced to stereotypes of themselves in her presence. Not ALL the time, but certainly they have their, "goofy, doting boy" moments. And my girl-friend and I are not old fogies, but neither are we teenagers. So it's definitely interesting to watch!

I guess this comes back to always feeling like I don't quite fit in. Like either I know something others don't (about me?) or they know something that I don't. I dunno, sounds bizarre I know. But I have always had that feeling, ever since I was a little kid (like 5 or 6, even in kindergarten). I never felt like I was some super special person or anything. Just that there was something different, either about me or about the way I thought of things. It's hard to pin down. Just that I did not entirely fit. I feel that way still today at my job, when I was working a side job doing some instructional work, at the hobbies I do. I almost feel like someone is eventually going to figure me out, expose me for the fraud that I am, call my bluff. I am not perpetrating some giant fraud on anyone, not at work, at home or with my friends. But I sometimes feel like someone left the door open and I slipped in unnoticed. And it's only a matter of time before someone asks for my invitation, and I don't have one.

I have also been having trouble letting go of daydreaming. Ever daydream and the daydreaming is much more interesting, compelling and desirable than your own life? Ever wish your life WAS the daydream? I am not even talking about 'winning the lottery'-type daydreams. I am talking about whole different personality, different life daydreams. I am sure it's because I am having trouble in my real life, so the fantasy life becomes more enticing, more interesting. But it makes dealing with reality that much more depressing.

Four paragraphs of tangent, I think that's enough for today.

Thursday, September 22, 2005


So last night I find myself at work reading one of the aforementioned books with tears running down my face because - HOLY SHIT - I am reading about my very life on these pages!!! Stuff I thought was me literally going crazy is, in fact, him trying to make me think I am crazy, so that he can be right, or not wrong....or something like that. Let me excerpt...

"The passive-aggressive man is gifted at engineering a sense of doubt in others, and he knows it. He gets you to doubt your impressions of his behavior and to believe his version of what's happened. He relies on you to discount your own reactions. No matter how hostile or undermining his passive-aggressiveness, he gets you to make allowances for him, ignore your feelings and take his abuse.

An extreme version of the man who creates knee-weakening doubt and ably shifts blame from himself is the pathological fortune-hunting husband in the film Gaslight....He uses mind bending games to undermine his wife's sanity, such as denying he's done or said something. (The wife) searches for a brooch she knows she left on the dressing table, but he has already hidden it in the attic, "reminding" her of her memory problem and how she always seems to be losing things. And of course, when the gaslight in the house flickers and she remarks on it, he says, "What flickering light?"

In your life, the passive-aggressive man's more benign version of "gaslighting" you (telling you that what is, isn't and vice versa), is just as confusing. At his best, he can provoke an otherwise calm and rational woman into an irrational rage...It's not necessarily what he says or does, it's how he obstinately twists reality and denies the facts to either weasel out of responsiblity or push you around...This is what gets to you...

If your rage has probably will stop in your tracks and wonder how you've been transformed into this creature of destruction. Ashamed of your behavior, your pattern may be to give in and agree with him that you are the persecutory figure he says you are, and he the unfortunate victim. You wind up apologizing to him."

The tears just kept coming yesterday. That is my life. That is my SO (significant other), that's him! How can a person live this way? How have I been living this way? How can I change this without walking out on a relationship with someone I care deeply about that I have put several years into building? Is there any way to salvage this? That is what I am trying to figure out.

Yes, I have been here before. Not exactly here, but somewhere close. Different players, different scenario, but the same question - can this be salvaged? Last time around, I had been trying on my own to salvage things, taking the burden on myself to try and fix the problems, shoulder the responsibilties, need less from my partner, try not to lose myself in the process, give more leeway. It drained me dry. Absolutely dry. To the point where I had to tell him, when he came back to me with the sincere desire to try things again, that I could not do it. And I could not. It was not possible for me to put myself in that position again. The position of being vulnerable, my throat exposed, ready to be hurt once again. Sure this all sounds melodramatic, and it is. But I am a creature of emotion. That is my primary Modus Operandi, not logic, not thoughts, but feelings.

I think the hardest thing that a human being has to do is to truly think about HERSELF FIRST, before ANY other human being. Not mother, father, sister, brother, child, partner, friend or stranger on the street. It is extremely difficult for me. I think even if I was alone, no partner and I lived alone with no friends nearby, I would surround myself with pets or something to take up my time so that I would not HAVE to think about myself. And ACT on those thoughts as well, not just think.

So the question comes back around. Is there a way to salvage this? I don't feel like I am at a point where I can no longer trust my partner with my feelings. I WANT to work things out. That is a positive sign. But I could see things quickly approaching that in the months ahead, if things continue as they have been, could take us on a turn for the worse. How can I get him to know how he is and own up to it, and WORK ON IT?! This seems like an insurmountable task, especially since he is one of those guys who is resistant (to put it mildly) to the idea of going to therapy. I DON'T think this is something we can tackle without an outside arbitrator stepping in to point some things out. It has to be someone who he can't accuse of being biased one way or the other, even though he probably will anyway.

So I am having a bad week emotionally. I feel ready to cry at the drop of a hat. More than once today, I felt weepy. Not hormones, not even close. Not any meds I am or am not taking. I think I am getting enough sleep. I just feel like I am overloaded. I have stuff going on every weekend and day off for the next 3 weeks, there is tension in my relationship partly because of not spending enough time together, I have financial arrangements to make for things, I am working on this passive-aggressive thing, I have all this other stuff to finish. More of what I said yesterday. Too much going on. Too much pressure and stress. How do people deal with this all the time and not lose their shit. I have not figured it out yet. I guess that's not a very good sign at my age.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

La la land

I am out in la la land today. I woke up feeling well-rested, and drove to work the same way. But when I got here my brain got overloaded fast and I feel like it is now spilling over and I can't keep a thought straight.

Family - Got word from an aunt that she is loving having my brother and his family near her such that she knows food preferences of the little ones. Frankly, I am extremely jealous and still angry that he moved. He was hours away, now he is a plane ride away.

Friends - A couple of friends are bugging me to get involved in something I am not sure I want to do. They say its fun and I will have a good time, and are doing everything in their power to try and get me to go and facilitate a good time for me. One would think I would be grateful (and upon reading what I just wrote, I am thinking I may be acting somewhat asinine) but I am just getting more and more annoyed at being pushed. My significant other is one of the ones pushing too, which does not help. On the plus side, my girl-friend is easygoing about it, saying try it and if I have a good time stay, if I don't just walk away. This is the attitude I am taking, but the people encouraging me to go don't need to know that. It would only begin a debate that I just don't want to, or need to, have. They would then believe that I had already made my decision, which I have not. The point is I am NOT SURE. The jury is out. So I am going to get my feet wet and see how the water is before I decide if I am going in all the way, or walking away.

Significant other - Being very nice to me the past few days. Even when I was away for the weekend, which he has a special pet peeve about. He has developed this idea that because I am up for just about any social activity other than staying home sitting on my ass, that means that any chance I have to get away from HIM is one that I jump at. I often either WANT TO say yes, or I DO say yes to the social activities to which I get invited. My phone is not ringing off the hook or anything (I should say, my e-mail box is not in danger of reaching its limit.) This summer, things picked up for me, don't ask me why, I am just that cute and popular. Seriously though, how can I explain why? Should I even HAVE to? So if I get invited to something every month, what is the big deal?! Well part of the deal is that he and I do not have all the same friends. We do share some of the same friends, but not all. In fact he had a very serious falling out with some of the people I still call friends. So he avoids some social situations anticipating that one of those people may be in attendance. Some of those are ones I am invited to. Maybe I am a bad partner, but I don't feel like I should have to curb my social life just because he doesn't want to come! Unfortunately, for me, he is not one of those "take one for the team" kind of partners, who would be okay with me going as long as I get him back on something, return the favor. This applies when he goes WITH me to something he does not want to go to, or when I go somewhere without him and he doesn't want me to go. The moment we arrive, he is asking when we can leave. He says this is for "planning purposes" but it CLEARLY says to me, "I want to leave as soon as humanly possible; NOW, if we can!" When I go somewhere that he is not thrilled about me going, he asks me when I will be home. I could be honest and say that I will be home late, that I don't intend to make a time to come home, that I will stay as long as I want to, that it depends on who is there and how much fun it is. But none of those answers are "acceptable" for him. He thinks I should be able to be "mature" and commit to a time when I will leave, regardless of what is going on. I have tried the above responses, and he argues with me on them, usually retorting with concerns of me sleeping the following day away and not having any time to spend with me since I will be sleeping in after my night out. He does not ASK me if I would be willing to get up earlier to spend time with him, he just assumes that I would not want to. Even when I offer to do this, he argues with me, saying that if I would just get home earlier, we would not have to deal with that at all.

Okay, wow, I have gone off on a tangent there (this subject needs its own post!) The reason behind the tangent is because October is shaping up to be the social month extraordinaire. One weekend I will be away and another, earlier weekend I have at least two, if not three, social things potentially lined up. Plus two times a week I have a meeting to go to, which is voluntary and social in nature as well. So we are bound to have this argument soon, maybe even tonight. Mind you, one weekend I will be away WITH him. But he will discount that as being in the same place doing separate things. Or find some other way to discount it. Did I mention he is passive-aggressive??

Home - I have several things to do in and around my house. Some regular maintenance and cleaning related, some more major maintenance related. I have to try to make time for that somehow, when presently I get home from work after dark and not all my weekends are free. My S.O. works most weekends now and he is resistant to doing major maintenance without me present. As I am having guests this weekend, there are several things that need to get done, and I am going to get little help from him, so I am going to have to schedule this all in before Friday.

Other - On top of all that, I am writing a document that is due at the end of next weekend (Oct 2nd) and it is lengthy, so I have to try and fit that in with everything else, including overdue bills and renewal of driving related things.

No wonder my brain is scrambled! I wish those commercials were real...the ones where they would say, "Calgon, take me away!!!"

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Endings suck

When stuff that is good ends, it sucks! This is true for just about anything in life, from great meals to TV shows to extracurricular activities to relationships to friendships to a good book. Presently, I am talking about a hobby that shall remain nameless (to protect...well, ME!)

I have had the most fun with this group in particular than I have ever had. They are all into it 100% and it makes worlds of difference. When you do a hobby with people who are half-assed about it, everyone suffers. When people are unscrupulous about things, it ruins the experience for everyone else. When some people don't take the hobby as seriously as others, the group loses something.

I have had this hobby much of my life, in different forms, and I have rarely found a group that has the cohesive interest that this one does. Everyone is there for the same reason, to have a great time while participating 100%. People are nice, they care, they enhance the experience for everyone there with their enthusiasm.

And in a month, it will all be over. I am pretty bummed about it. I have lots of memories, new friends and pictures too. But I will be sad to have to find a new group. Of course, the new group will have the reputation to live up to and it will be hard to do. So I will have to be open minded about it.

Basically when a good thing ends, it is always hard to say goodbye!!!

Monday, September 19, 2005


I was away this weekend having fun with some friends. It was tiring as all get out because it involved staying up very late both Friday and Saturday nights and walking or running around outside for hours on end, either in the hot muggy weather Saturday, or in the rainy chilly weather Friday and Saturday nights. But I had a blast and can't wait to do it again.

I am so tired though. And feeling my age to be sure. I need to try to rebuild some of the strength and stamina I used to have. I am working on it, trying to lose weight presently and when I checked last week, I had dropped 2 pounds from the week before. This is a good thing, especially going into a weekend where I was going to eat anything that I could get my hands on, not anything in sight mind you, just anything that happened to be available when it was available. Eating was not scheduled into my activities, so when I had the chance, I ate what I could and did not pay all that much attention to what it was. There, I think that was clearer. I am not that coherent, having had only 8 hours of sleep between Friday and Sunday, so I think I will keep this brief today. But since I skipped Thursday and Friday, I thought I would stop in to write today.

What was the best part about my weekend? Laughing and having fun without having to check in with anyone or be worried about anything at home. Being able to just let go and have a great time. That is what I love about my weekends away. My friends are my lifeblood and getting away from the everyday doldrums (work, drive, pay bills) is really what fuels me and gives me joy. I wish I could do it more often.

I think I need a nap.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Music that I like

Music. I love music. It's so important to me that I listen to music every day. And I don't listen to as much music as I would like to either. I would like to listen to music all day at work and then as soon as I get home put something on and blast it through the house. Can't always do that. But I still love it and listen to a lot of different things. I have met a lot of people who are very picky about listening to one specific "type" of music or another. But I honestly don't think that is being fair to oneself. If you prefer or don't prefer a style, that's totally cool. But you should still not rule out that you may one day like something by someone which is technically "classified" as that style that you always said you disliked.

Me - I like lots of stuff. My father always played classical in the house, so I have a great appreciation for a lot of different classical music, although I may not know the names or composers of that many pieces. I recognize a LOT more than I can name. I grew up listening to The Beatles, John Denver, The Carpenters, musicals and lots of classical. When I got older, I listened to AM radio, so I liked some of the more popular music of the time. Then as I became a teenager, I loved hip hop and rap - the "old school" stuff like Run DMC, LLCoolJ, Sugar Hill Gang, Grandmaster Flash, Whodini, Afrika Bambaata and the Soulsonic Force and Tommy Boy Records! Great stuff!! Also dance music that was out at that time. There were a lot of one-hit wonders in the dance scene, but there was some great music coming out. When Madonna was new and all the elementary school girls were dressing up like little Madonna's in lace t-shirts and fingerless gloves! I have a whole crate full of records from that time! I still love that stuff.

In high school I moved into liking more "alternative rock" type stuff like Depeche Mode, New Order, The Cure, Bronski Beat, Yaz, Sting's solo stuff, R.E.M. - and then came U2. My obsession with U2 began when they played Live Aid in 1987. I saw them perform "Bad" and could barely breathe. I was watching it on TV and I was mesmerized. I could not believe how moved the crowd was by this song, by Bono singing, by whatever it was that was moving them about this music. I was totally hooked! I bought biography books, books on Ireland, subscribed to U2 fanzines (back when they were photocopied, or better yet, mimeographed). I was taken by this band and their music! Then, The Joshua Tree came out! Sadly, through a travesty I will not go through here, I missed out on getting tickets for the tour. This was after I had begin to go to concerts and I was just heartbroken. A person I thought was my friend had gotten tickets and went to the concert, knowing how envious I was of her. She came back showing off her $18 t-shirt, which was black with a design in gold colored ink, the album cover or something. Then she said she got me a t-shirt too! She handed me a shitty white shirt with a badly printed design on the front and back. She said it was only $10 bucks in the parking lot! Like I said, I THOUGHT she was my friend. That was near the end of our friendship (I am not so shallow to judge a person just because they don't splurge on the expensive t-shirt, believe me, there is MUCH more to that story. Someday I might tell it here....) So anyway, I FINALLY got to see U2 live 3 years ago. YES THREE YEARS AGO!!! Much has gone on on the many years since high school and I was just never able to make it to a concert. But the one I went to was AWESOME and TOTALLY worth the wait!!!!

Okay, back to the subject. Music that I like. Well the concerts I went to are a good cross section of what I was into in HS. Suzanne Vega, Howard Jones, Peter Gabriel, Genesis, BoDeans, Robert Plant, 10,000 Maniacs, Melissa Etheridge, INXS, Yes. Later on, I found an Irish U2 wannabe band called the Black Velvet Band who I loved for the short time they were around. After that, in my early 20's, came the grunge era. Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice In Chains, Soundgarden, Stone Temple Pilots, all from Seattle, were great bands! I liked Faith No More, as well as Indigo Girls, Queensryche, King's X and Living Color. I liked Paula Cole, Shawn Colvin, Matthew Sweet, a band named Jellyfish that my brother discovered, Sarah McLachlan, the soundtracks to Chess and Rent. Tool became underground cool, and although I don't like all their stuff, I do like some of it. Nine Inch Nails became a staple in my CD collection. Tori Amos also made her way in. I discovered Barenaked Ladies, with their first album, Gordon. They are SO awesome!! I made my way back into Alternative music, which had morphed into Alternative Hard Rock. Late 90's to early 00's brought Staind, Days of the New, Finger Eleven, Sevendust, Linkin Park, Filter. Other bands/artists in there that are not mentioned elsewhere are Red Hot Chili Peppers, Lenny Kravitz, Michael Penn, Jonatha Brooke, Beastie Boys, Primus, some early Guns & Roses, Sublime, Ben Folds Five, Rage Against The Machine. And then the guilty pleasures like some Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, Christina Aguilera, Hanson, Spice Girls, TLC, Jennifer Lopez, Mariah Carey. I even found some pseudo-country stuff I liked in Shania Twain, some Faith Hill and Nickel Creek, a folky-pop group that got their start doing bluegrass music with Alison Krauss.

Over the years though, the staples on my CD shelf are U2, Indigo Girls, Melissa Etheridge, Tori Amos, Nine Inch Nails, some movie and musical soundtracks and a few new things that edge their way in and back out from time to time. But I still love all the music I ever loved. I like it the same as I did when I originally found it. I just love music. I couldn't imagine life without it.