Books for me

So today I went down to the local Borders books on lunch, took a little walk, which I needed to do anyway. I picked myself up some books to help myself out a little.

Titles, you ask?
'Living with the Passive Aggressive Man' by Scott Wetzler, PhD
'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft

I went online and checked out Amazon.com and read some reader reviews and two of them for the first book pointed people to the second book as well, since the first book seems to lay part of the onus on living a better life with this type of man on the female partner. *BUZZZZZZZ* Thank you for playing. Homegirl don't play that game. I am not into being told that I have to "understand" certain things about my partner and "learn to work with them". When have you EVER read a book FOR MEN about WOMEN that tells them to LIVE WITH IT. No....all of them tell the guy that women are emotional and that they probably need medication or therapy, to be sensitive and understanding until she can get the help she needs. Sorry. Same rules apply on both ends of the playing field.

Now let's look at that metaphor - playing field. Yes, I seem to end up talking about my relationship - to my partner and to my friends - as a game or a contest with points on either side. Even that I think of it as something that has "sides" is probably a big hint that something is rotten in Denmark. It should not be that way. It should be "us", with some "him" and "her" in there as well. Not "my side" and "your side" or "he said", "she said". I can't stand feeling like I have to earn points back. And the worst part is that he flatly denies that is the case, yet constantly makes me feel like there is a lot of work to be done to get back to a "status quo" (my words, not his.)

I got these books because I live with a passive-aggressive man. I thought my father was passive-aggressive. Uh-uh. No way. He is passive. He just doesn't get angry. He sometimes refuses to get angry. He doesn't try to control my mother, never has. She is uncontrollable. She is bi-polar (what they used to call "Manic-Depressive". The only thing that controls her are drugs, and even then......not so much. He never got angry when I was a kid. He never stopped her from doing anything, never put his foot down with anything, never tried to make her go places or do things, or not go places or not do things. The thing with Passive Aggression is that the person SAYS one thing, but MEANS something that is almost entirely the opposite. The short version is that he makes me feel INSANE. My dad never made me (or my mom) feel insane - just inadequate. I literally feel like I am going nuts. I moved about 4 years ago. Since that time, I have gone to therapy three separate times for stress and depression, gained about 60 pounds, gone to my doc for mood issues and been prescribed anti-depressant meds, developed thyroid issues (and now am on thyroid hormone replacement for life), developed TMJ due to stress, had insomnia and stomach problems - most of these are due to or exacerbated by stress. Most of the stress was caused either directly or indirectly by my partner. Money issues that go unsolved and, seemingly, not taken seriously enough. Lack of attention to my requests and needs. Neglect of responsibilties - blamed on stress or lack of reciprocity. Basically, I am made out to be the cause of all the problems - not directly like, "you are at fault, it is all your fault." More like, "there is no need to assign blame here......you just don't understand certain things." Of course, those "certain things" that I need to "understand" are never clearly explained or defined. Leaving me thinking, " is there something I missed? Are there things that I am supposed to know that I didn't pay attention to or write down or something? What am I not hearing here?" Because the message is so repetitive it wears you down and you begin to feel like, well he has said this same thing so many times....it HAS to be something I am not doing or doing wrong! It is insidious. And the worst part is that I have tremendous difficulty thinking that he even is AWARE that he is doing this. He has a wonderful, generous heart.

How the hell did I get here and how the hell do I fix it? That is the bottom line.

The First Entry

I will explain the title of my blog. See, I read other blogs on the interweb, the internets, whatever the hell you want to call it. And I know that writing about your personal life (i.e. family, partner, friends) can be dangerous to one's personal life and relationships with the aforementioned folks. But I need an outlet to write about this stuff. So I am throwing caution to the wind and I am going to write, write, write about it all!!

So...about me. Well, as you can probably surmise, I am female. I work in software technology. I have parents. I have 2 brothers who are both married with kids. I have a significant other of several years to whom I am technically engaged (more on that as the blog continues). I have some very close friends, who make my life livable. That's enough on me for now.

This is my introduction to the blogger world. I have read others' blogs and LiveJournals for a few years now and never started my own. I love the writing styles of some of the ones I have read and hope to be as witty and interesting as them. But honestly, I am doing this for me. I know, I know....if I am doing it for me, why put it on the internet for everyone to potentially read. Why not just keep a private journal?? Because I love reading blogs, I love peeking into other people's heads for a moment, I love knowing I am not the only one who feels and thinks these ridiculous, irrational, weird things. It helps my sanity. Plus feeling like I have not updated a blog out on the web has more of an incentive attached to it than updating one's personal journal, at least for me. I frequently think of myself last. So I rarely write journal entries at home since who is going to read them except me. I am only doing it for me, so why bother taking that time to write it down when I could just as easily be making dinner, or doing laundry, or even sitting around watching TV. It's just crap I am thinking. So keeping a blog online makes me that much more accountable. Even if nobody reads it.

Off I go into the wild blue yonder of blog-dom. Here's hoping this does not become "The Big Mistake"!